


the same procedure as every year

by lisk_ah



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Fluff, Light Angst, M/M, Minor Character Death, Porn With Plot, Smut, and jooheon doesn't even know what love is, in which changkyun is so in love, promises and how (not) to keep them, strangers to lovers to friends to lovers to ????, there are like ten other relationships in this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-03-06 14:02:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 25,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13412820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lisk_ah/pseuds/lisk_ah
Summary: kissing him always felt comfortable. safe. kissing him always felt like you could come back next year and find his heart exactly how you’d left it.





	1. 2011 - 2012

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jooheon has never wanted to hold anyone's hand as much as his. he promises himself not to call him but (of course) he does. keeping promises has never really been part of his repertoire. how could it be, when he has his hands in so many hearts. but who has his heart? maybe here, many equals none.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this wrote itself. literally. i did not intend to write half of the things i wrote in this. (forgive me). this is also not at all revised because i felt like the longer i looked at it the less it made sense to me. so, sorry if the pacing is off. 
> 
> i still hope you enjoy reading this as much as i enjoyed writing it.

**December 31st / January 1st, 2011-12**

“YOU!” Minhyuk exclaimed without giving Jooheon time to even properly answer and he had to hold the phone away from his ear because it was so loud.  

“I …?”

“You’re like super late. What happened?” Jooheon could hear a faint bass from the other end of the line and figured the party must have started a while ago. He decided he wasn’t going to be able to dry his hair in time anyways and just left it.

“Nothing _happened_ …”

“You’re late.”

“As I am aware, and you have stated twice already. I’ll be there in five,” Jooheon lied and squeezed toothpaste onto his toothbrush, leaving it on the bathroom counter instead of using it.

“Please tell me you’re actually going to be here in five minutes.”

“Maybe ten.” His voice was muffled while pulling the sweater over his head and he couldn’t hear what Minhyuk said next because he had thrown his phone onto his bed to get dressed. “I gotta get going. Gonna miss the bus otherwise bye,” he shouted and hung up with his elbow, exhaling sharply. It wasn’t like he had wanted to be late. It had just sort of happened when he had tried to watch a forty-minute episode of this show Minhyuk had told him about in twenty. It was only, like, half hour and maybe he had forgotten to text Minhyuk to let him know, but he had been about to get going anyways when his friend had called. Inhale.

Exhale.

Jooheon fucking hated New Year’s Eve. But Minhyuk loved it and he loved Minhyuk so this was where they stood. Or him. Half-dressed and trying to brush his teeth while simultaneously spreading some bb cream on his face. He had to run to catch the bus after that, but he had remembered the party hats, that Minhyuk had given him for his last birthday party and insisted everyone wore and which he had now promised to bring. On his way to Minhyuk’s house he checked his phone, ignoring the messages his friend had sent him informing him of the fact that fifteen minutes had already passed since their phone call, as if Jooheon couldn’t read the fucking time. He figured it was alright to stop at the liquor store and bought two bottles of the semi expensive peach schnapps Minhyuk liked so much as a peace offering.

 

He was pulled into the house by a set of hot sweaty arms and his bag dangled dangerously close to the door frame when Minhyuk grabbed his head and kissed his cheek twice. He smelled of rum and limes.

“YOU MADE IT!” Minhyuk yelled and it was even louder than over the phone and Jooheon smiled. There wasn’t even any peace to be made.

“Of course, I made it.” He shook his hood off and held up the bag inside which the bottles made a promising clinking sound. Minhyuk’s eyes went wide and he kissed Jooheon a third time. On the other cheek now. The house smelled nicer than Jooheon had anticipated it to smell this late into a university party and he felt safe enough to leave his jacket with the others.

“COME ILL INTRODUCE YOU.” And with that Minhyuk grabbed his hand and it was sticky and warm and pulled him into the living slash dining slash drinking room. The conversation only ebbed down slightly, almost unnoticeable and Minhyuk raised their locked fingers.

“THIS IS JOO!”

“-Heon,” Jooheon added, quietly, because he knew Minhyuk wasn’t going to and heard someone laugh but couldn’t tell who. “Nice to meet you.” There were a couple of _hey_ ’s and _hi_ ’s from the probably twenty-something people in the room and Jooheon locked eyes with someone sitting on the armrest of the hideous couch his mother had given Minhyuk when he had moved in with as little as a mattress and a tea pot. It wasn’t long, but long enough for it to have meant something. The guy didn’t smile. His eyes darted to their hands and Jooheon dropped them instinctively. Let go of Minhyuk’s fingers. His friend laughed right into his ear.

“OKAY MAKE SOME FRIENDS, YEAH?”

Jooheon pointed the bottles in his hand to a table that looked like it had once been set up to resemble a bar, saying: “I’ll go and put this uh over there first.” But Minhyuk was gone again. Jooheon had a stuffy head from the music and the atmosphere already and he poured himself a shot of the schnapps because there was no way in hell he would live though this sober.

“That supposed to be a shot?” An unfamiliar voice said behind him and Jooheon jumped slightly, turning his body away reflexively. He laughed, and it sounded airy because his jaw was tense. He sent the bottle back down. Maybe his cup was a little optimistically full.

“Sorry,” the guy said immediately and stepped next to him ad Jooheon didn’t know what he had apologised for and maybe he didn’t know either. It was the one from the couch. He held out his own cup now and pursed his lips with a nod to the still open bottle. “Misery loves company, no?”

Jooheon chuckled. “Wouldn’t that mean splitting this ridiculously large shot between the two of us?”

“Maybe, but we’re going to drink all of it sooner or later anyways.” The guy shrugged. And then he smiled for the first time when Jooheon poured him just as much of the sickly smelling liquid. It was a pretty smile that made his cheeks seem rounder. Less sharp. His eyes were gleaming. The bottle was one quarter empty and Jooheon raised his cup.

“To?”

“The end of this fucking year.”

And they drank, and it was disgustingly sweet at first and then burned its way up their throats again and they both coughed and Jooheon clutched his own chest dramatically and the guy almost fell over laughing. Jooheon wanted to offer his hand for him to steady himself and that was new. He didn’t, though. Instead he opened two bottles of beer, handing one to the guy with the sharp eyes and let their fingers brush. It was ten to nine.

“YOU MET!” Minhyuk came out of nowhere and hooked an arm around Jooheon’s shoulders.

“We drank,” he corrected and Minhyuk snorted. For some reason, even his snorts were soft.

 “TO ME I HOPE!”

“Of course, to you. Always to you,” the sharp guy gave back and Jooheon took the opportunity to look at him a bit more while Minhyuk said something in response, that his brain channelled out. There was a softness to him. The way his blond hair curled around his forehead, leaving only a bit of it exposed. How the sides of his eyes crinkled when he squinted, trying to understand wat Minhyuk was getting at. His hands. He had nice hands.

“ARE YOU WITH US?” said Minhyuk and Jooheon realised his friend was talking to him and also, that both of them were looking at him now while he had been busy staring at the soft-sharp guys face. He swallowed.

“Uh, sorry?”

“I WAS JUST TRYING TO AQUAINT YOU WITH CHANGKYUN, BUT IT SEEMS LIKE YOU’D MUCH RATHER GET ACQUAINTED WITH IS FACE!” A devious smirk split Minhyuk’s face in half. He was so fucking drunk Jooheon had to hold onto his hip for him not to fall into him when he leaned closer now, probably trying a whisper, which in reality was the only thing Minhyuk had said at a normal volume tonight. “I’ll leave you to it then.”

Changkyun bit his lip in an effort to not laugh and Jooheon pushed Minhyuk off of him. He didn’t even have to shoo him away and he was gone again, entertaining guests that would possibly actually listen to him.

“How do you know each other?” Jooheon asked pointing his thumb at Minhyuk.

“I uh just started one of the undergrad courses he’s tutoring.” It was kinda mumbled and Jooheon nodded. He wasn’t going to let this get awkward. He didn’t do _awkward._

So, he said, “I mean he’s not wrong,” bravely, and took a sip from his beer after clinking their bottles together. Changkyun was letting his hang from his hand and he quickly raised it to his lips now, probably finding it was a viable alternative to answering right away. Jooheon thought that there was nothing to lose, really. Not to a first year anyways and a blowjob to gain from it if he was being slick. Jooheon wished he had put more effort into his hair now.

“Huh?”

“I mean, you’re cute. That’s what he was saying anyways. He’s not wrong.”

Changkyun’s lips formed an exquisitely round O when it dawned on him that Jooheon wasn’t joking and someone turned up the music even more. He thought then, that maybe Changkyun might not even be hitting on him, but was just being nice to the one who showed up late. But then again telling someone they were cute didn’t mean you wanted to bone them, so technically Jooheon hadn’t overstepped any lines yet. He had told Minhyuk he was cute on multiple occasions already. On second thought, he had also jerked Minhyuk off once when his parents weren’t home, and they had watched porn together for what was supposed to be a joke but then wasn’t. So maybe telling someone they were cute Did mean you wanted to bone them. In Jooheon’s case anyways. Changkyun was breathing in synch with the bass.

“Here,” Jooheon suggested and began filling Changkyun’s cup again. “I feel like we need more of that schnapps.” And they did.  

 

It took the whole bottle between the two of them and three more beers which they drank standing up next to the table, so they wouldn’t run out of fuel, for Changkyun to start making moves on Jooheon again. It was odd, that in one and a half hours of being here Jooheon hadn’t once felt the need to talk to anyone but him. Maybe it was his eyes. It must be. He blinked slowly now, his lashes fanning out over his cheekbones in slow motion and put his hand on Jooheon’s arm. He wanted to go for a smoke and Jooheon tagged along, mainly for the sake of escaping the noise.

The fresh air felt like someone had hit him in the face with a bucketful of ice water and he stumbled backwards, realising then that it had been because of Changkyun falling against him. He giggled, _giggled,_ and said sorry but was still leaning against Jooheon’s chest a minute later. Jooheon found that his arms fit particularly well around Changkyun’s body for the fact that they had just met two hours ago. He smelled nice too. One of his hands slid under Changkyun’s shirt and he sighed; turned his head upwards as if he wanted to kiss Jooheon. His skin was warm and Jooheon could feel him breathing.

“Is it safe for me to come out or are you gonna start sucking each other off in a second?” someone asked from what must be the door and Jooheon jerked away from Changkyun. He hadn’t meant for it to be this forceful. He swayed a bit from the suddenness of the movement and Jooheon put his hand on his lower back to steady him. Maybe, to signal that he still thought he smelled nice even when someone else was around. That he would have kissed him given twenty more seconds. Hoseok stepped out of the house and shut the door behind him, laughing.

“Oh my god you look like I just straight out whacked my dick in your face. Relax,” he said, and his eyes twinkled. Changkyun kind of laughed now.

“You’re an ass.”

“I just have an eye for _románce_ ,” Hoseok retorted wiggling his eyebrows. He put a cigarette between his lips, making no effort to actually light it. “I don’t think we met?” It was directed at Jooheon and he frowned. He was sure this was one of Minhyuk’s friends and they’ve met in the library once. Briefly. He remembered his eyes though.

“I think we have, actually my uh hair used to be red?”

“AH! Don’t say anything it’s … ughhhh …” He wrinkled his forehead now, and exhaled, pointing his half empty cigarette pack at Jooheon’s chest, “Jung…hoon?”

Changkyun snorted and took out a pack as well. He offered one to Jooheon and he nodded even though he didn’t even really smoke.

“No,” he replied then and Hoseok clicked his tongue in response, then said: “Give me fire, I can’t think like this. Too drunk. What’s the time?”

“Half ten?” Changkyun said without checking and extended a lighter to Hoseok who didn’t show the slightest indication of wanting to take it but instead leaned down to let Changkyun light his cigarette. Jooheon lit his by himself and suppressed a cough, feeling Changkyun looking at him out of the corner of his eye. He felt hot too. When he gave the lighter back to him, Jooheon let his fingers rest on Changkyun’s palm for a bit. He held the eye contact and smiled lazily before hooking an arm around Changkyun’s shoulders and whispering “Thank you”, making sure his lips touched the skin behind Changkyun’s ear. Maybe only because he was drunk. The air shifted and Changkyun tensed, then relaxed. He was glad. Being rejected wasn’t something Jooheon was good at and New Year’s Eve was bad enough without the sour aftertaste of someone pushing your arm off of them. He inhaled when Changkyun exhaled. Hoseok threw his half-smoked cigarette, laughing again, then disappeared back into the house. Jooheon never even told him what his actual name was.

 

Inside the air was thick, almost unbreathable and after a while Changkyun had gone off to god knows where but at least the music had gotten better. Jooheon was less drunk now which probably explained his shaking hands. Minhyuk and a couple of others were wearing their party hats now and at thirty minutes to twelve his friend suggested a drinking game as if they weren’t all fucking hammered anyways. Half of the group crouched around the small couch table and Jooheon was too lazy to move from the sofa that he was sitting on, so he thought he might as well play along. His eyes scanned the room from Changkyun one more time when someone plopped down on the armrest, his hot body leaning against Jooheon’s arm.

“Missed me?”

“You were gone?”

Changkyun punched his side and stayed close to him, Jooheon’s arm finding his way around his waist too naturally. He was too small of a person to hold. He looked at him and for a split second his mind sobered up and he thought that he was too _good_ of a person to hold altogether. That in no life Jooheon ever deserved him. In this moment of clarity, he decided he wouldn’t call him after tonight even if Changkyun gave him his number.

“WE’RE PLAYING PICOLO! EVERYONE HAVE A DRINK?”

Changkyun gave Jooheon another bottle of beer and smiled. He smiled too. Tried to smile. Minhyuk was looking around the table with a serious face and tapped _START_ on his phone. A jingle that almost got drowned out by the music announced the first person to drink and then the second one and then the third one and Minhyuk had to kiss someone’s hand but didn’t read the full thing, so he kissed his cheek instead and everyone screamed and laughed. It was good fun. Changkyun’s hand was placed delicately at the back of Jooheon’s neck, tentatively reaching upwards whenever something was especially funny or maybe just like that.

“JOO!!! EVERYONE KN–”

“Did you seriously enter my name as Joo,” Jooheon interrupted his friend and he held is hand up, signalling for him to shut up. A couple of people laughed. Changkyun laughed too, squeezing is neck. He was the only one who was allowed to.

“EVERYONE KNOWS YOU SPIT THE SICKEST BEATS. RAP O–”

“Minhyuk don’t ignore me.” His friend merely glared at him and continued, unimpressed.

“RAP ONE VERSE ABOUT CHANGKYUN’S NOSE. DOWN YOUR DRINK IF YOU FAIL.”

“What?” Jooheon said and Changkyun’s hand stilled in his nape, “His nose?”

“Why? you don’t think its worthy of a full verse?” Jooheon slapped Changkyun’s thigh at that and he bit his lip. It was good. It made his hands feel funny on top of the alcohol.

“Why doesn’t he get a nickname?”

“SHUT UP AND RAP OR DOWN IT.”

Some guy with broad shoulders who had been drinking coke all night had already leaned over to the stereo to turn the music down. “Yo, can you rap to this?” he asked and laughed. Jooheon rolled his eyes and began counting out the rhythm in his head, then improvised a couple of lines because it wasn’t like he hadn’t looked at Changkyun’s nose for long enough to be able to come up with a whole fucking song already. Everyone applauded, and he bowed sitting down which was awkward as fuck and made his head spin more.

“WHEN'S YOUR MIXTAPE COMING OUT?”

“Top secret,” Jooheon gave back. “You’d be the last to know, asshole.” Minhyuk blew him a kiss and he swatted it away, laughing.

The next fifteen or so minutes were good because Jooheon got to drink more and shake less and because he had started to lean on Changkyun’s thigh and it was nice to feel him. He was warm and solid and there. As opposed to Jooheon. He was absolutely fucking gone and by the time they all got up to go out into the garden to watch the fireworks he couldn’t feel his own feet anymore. He didn’t know whether it was the anxiety or the alcohol because usually one helped with the other but maybe tonight it was both. At two to twelve someone accidentally set off a firework already and Jooheon jumped. He stayed close to the house, tucked away behind the metal arc that had plants climbing up and around it and which led from the terrace onto the grass, framing the sky from this angle. About a meter behind everyone else.

“Hey,” Changkyun said. Suddenly next to him.

“How do you do that?”

“Do? What?” Jooheon looked at him curiously and it was really dark now, everyone in the neighbourhood having turned off their lights as to see the fireworks better. Jooheon thought: _Appearing next to me every time I miss you. Making me think it’s possible to miss someone after knowing them for less than a day. Making me miss you._

“Never mind,” he said instead, and his words were slurred.

“GUYS, GUYS! COUNTDOWN! WHAT TIME IS IT?” someone, probably Minhyuk, yelled and the broad guy checked his watch, saying something too quiet for Jooheon to hear. Maybe everything else was just too loud.

Changkyun said, “Wanna go closer?” leaning over to Jooheon so their arms were touching. It was really fucking cold and his breath fanned out around Jooheon’s face.

“Not really.”

“Okay.” Changkyun didn’t ask any more than that.

“You can go though. To the others I mean?”

“I brought Schnapps,” Changkyun said instead of a reply and extended his hands that were holding a cup of the peach liquor each, similarly as full as their first shots. Jooheon laughed. He took one, swayed. He was adored by him. And he wanted to kiss him too. Really. Even more than earlier because he hadn’t asked about the fireworks just now and he had brought him schnapps.

“Let’s drink them at midnight,” he proposed and Jooheon nodded yes and Minhyuk started the countdown, with everyone joining in. Jooheon’s hands began to shake as they always did, and everything was pulling at his chest like the old year didn’t want to let him go and he felt like he had to tear right through the middle. The rim of the plastic cup cracked when he held it too tightly and suddenly Changkyun reached for his hand and his fingertips were even colder than the rest of him. Even colder than Jooheon’s. He looked at him and his side profile, illuminated by some of the fireworks that were already starting to speckle the sky and thought that he hadn’t been wanting to kiss someone this much in so long. He was mouthing along to the countdown.

“Three, two …”

They raised the cups to their lips, looking at each other while drinking and the cracked side pinched Jooheon’s lip and the sweet alcohol smoothed itself around his throat without the burning and Changkyun held his hand and that was possibly the only thing carrying Jooheon through to the other side of New Year’s Eve. Then Changkyun smiled, widely, like a fire blazing up suddenly and Jooheon didn’t even hear the fireworks anymore, only saw them in Changkyun’s eyes and his lips began saying something. _Happy new year_ , probably but Jooheon was faster and when he kissed Changkyun it tasted ashy and peachy and cold. He heard Changkyun’s cup hitting the floor and then felt his icy hand on the side of his neck, not even taken aback for a single second. He just kissed him. Like they had the same mind.

“Happy new year,” Jooheon said after he had drawn his head back and could feel Changkyun frown.

“Happynewyear now kiss me again.” And Jooheon was about to, tracing Changkyun’s sharp looking cheeks with his thumb and they felt really soft, actually, leaning in already, when Minhyuk hug-tackled him from behind, breathing cold and vodka into his ear.

“HAPPY NEW YEAR JOO!!!!!!!!!”

“Happy new year Minyhukkie.” Minhyuk smiled into his neck

“YOU OKAY?” Changkyun let go of his hand and Jooheon wanted to tell him not to but didn’t.

“Holding up, yeah.”

“FIREWORKS OKAY?”

“Yeah.” Jooheon chuckled. He was good. One of the good ones.

“OKAY PROMISEYOULL TELL ME WHEN SOMETHING IS WRONG OKAY IM GLAD YOU CAME HAPPYNEW YEAR LOVEYOU!” And then he smacked a wet kiss onto his cheek and Jooheon squeezed the hands holding onto his torso and he thought that he really loved him so much.

 

A couple of people left then, most of them actually, going into town or to a club or bar and Minhyuk knew Jooheon wouldn’t want to so he left him the spare set of keys and he said he had already set up his housemates room for him because he knew how drunk he was going to be and that being out on New Year’s on his own wasn’t something he wanted him to do. Jooheon kissed his cheek because he had been about to take the last bus home which ran for almost an hour and of course he was right. Being out on new years on his own was the last thing he wanted to do. Although Changkyun had offered to take him home but that was ridiculous. As promising as it might have sounded. The ones who decided to stay in were scattered around the living room and only Changkyun was nowhere to be found again. Jooheon pretended it didn’t bother him but really it did. He had been hoping for more of his lips.

When he wandered into the kitchen he found Changkyun leaning on the counter with a glass of probably-not-water. Jooheon frowned at him and crossed his arms.

“You stayed in?”

“So did you.” Changkyun set the glass down next to him and shrugged.

“Hey,” Jooheon protested, sounding not really genuinely upset and Changkyun straightened up, now almost eye level with him. Almost. “I wanted you to go out and have fun.” He wasn't convinced by his own lie and Changkyun wasn’t either. He held out his arms and Jooheon went to stand directly in front of him, smirking, his heart hammering through his windpipe at _how close_ their chests were. Changkyun put his arms around Jooheon’s neck and Jooheon knew what Changkyun was going to say next and didn’t pretend it wasn’t what he had hoped to hear.

“I can have fun here. With you.”

Jooheon held Changkyun’s waist tightly.

“I might have something in mind,” he said in return and it was scarcely above a whisper, cautiously, but Changkyun pulled him closer.

Changkyun, apparently, when he had then asked what exactly Jooheon was thinking of, hadn’t expected Jooheon to actually tell him, murmuring into his ear, chest pressed hard against his. Jooheon always knew how to make people into putty under his hands. First year students were like warm wax that melted at the first touch and he supported Changkyun’s back while making sure his lips grazed his ear every so often. Closing his eyes made the room spin sideways so he kept them open, Changkyun’s hair framing his view. When Jooheon heard the first _please_ slip past Changkyun’s lips he smiled and led him into the room that Minhyuk had assigned him to today and it took them ten minutes to get up the stairs alone, because of how little their legs were working. They giggled, trying to unlock the door before realising it hadn’t been locked in the first place and then slipped into the room that was only dimly lit by the moonlight.

It was weird for it to be so quiet with the door closed, the music nothing but a dull beat, seemingly muffled by Changkyun’s breath. It was rapid. He stood with his back to the door Jooheon leaning heavily against him, kissing his way down his neck. He snuck one cold hand under Changkyun’s shirt again and his skin was even hotter than before.

“That okay?”, he murmured against his skin and felt Changkyun nod.

“Yeah,” he still said. As if to make sure Jooheon know that it was more than okay. Double okay. He began drawing circles into Changkyun's skin tracing his hand up his side and he shivered, melting into Jooheon’s touch. Like he had anticipated. His lungs began to feel tight and he took a deep breath still tasting the cigarette. Still tasting the peach schnapps and Changkyun and he wanted to kiss him again and as if he had read his thoughts he turned his face upwards so he could kiss him. It was warmer this time and Jooheon put his hand flat on Changkyun’s stomach. Changkyun grabbed it, guiding it further down his stomach and they came to a halt on his hip just below his waistband. Jooheon had to open his eyes, that he hadn’t realised he had closed, because his head was swimming. It didn’t help much.

“Please,” Changkyun then said again and _again_ it melted the flesh off of Jooheon’s bones and he could see his jaw moving when he said it, his nose nudging Jooheon’s cheek, eyes closed. He was stunning.

“Please what?”

“Please touch me.” It was immediate. It was, as if Changkyun had been waiting for Jooheon to ask, the words hanging from the tip of his tongue already. Jooheon let out a soft moan in response and pressed his hand down onto Changkyun’s crotch. His hips bucked up, a moan escaping him also and Jooheon swallowed the sound deep into his throat. He took Changkyun’s trousers off first, then his own, before he knelt in front of him to pull down his briefs. Changkyun whined and put his arm over his mouth. He kept it there when Jooheon started sucking him off, eyes huge and innocently looking down at him and Jooheon really thought he was going to lose his mind at that. He was sensitive and reacted to every touch with double the force Jooheon anticipated and in no time he was moaning with every breath he took; hands not being able to decide between Jooheon's neck and face. He didn’t let Changkyun finish and got up to kiss him again. This time Changkyun was pressing into his mouth harder.

“Patience,” Jooheon said, stroking Changkyun’s hair back and he saw his roots for the first time tonight. He was breathless, a sheer film of sweat covering his neck and face. It seemed to have a pearlescent shimmer in the pale light. Changkyun reached between them now and looked at him while pushing Jooheon’s briefs down. Even when he jerked him off, he broke the eye contact only once to bow down and spit onto the head of Jooheon’s cock and he shivered, exhaled sharply. Jooheon had to brace himself on the door either side of Changkyun’s face and his nails scratched the wood when he balled his hands into fists. Eventually he steadied himself, using one hand to find Changkyun’s cock again that was still slick with spit. Changkyun jerked backwards at the contact and his hands came to a halt. Using the moment of stillness, Jooheon grabbed both of their dicks at the same time, pressing them together in his palm. Changkyun moaned and hooked his arms around Jooheon’s neck again. It was where Jooheon liked them most.

Changkyun started fucking into the small space Jooheon’s grip left him and it created the most exquisite friction and Jooheon held one hand out to Changkyun and he already spat in it when Jooheon was still opening his mouth to ask him to. He smirked.

 “You’re so … fucking … hot,” Jooheon managed to say in between pants and Changkyun exhaled shakily. He felt his muscles contracting in sync with his strokes when Changkyun increased his tempo. He tipped his head back, his tongue uselessly looking for something to hold, or hold onto. Maybe that was the same thing. Jooheon craned his neck, just reaching Changkyun’s lips and Changkyun sighed into him, his tongue winding around Jooheon’s. He moaned again, the vibrations sending shivers down Jooheon’s arms and he realised he wouldn’t make it much longer. He leaned back. Changkyun's neck was flushed crimson and Jooheon felt like he was barely holding himself upright.

“Are you close?” Changkyun only nodded. His thighs were shaking, too. Anything Changkyun said was a moan rather than words anyways and his thrusts grew sloppier. Jooheon felt heat pooling in his stomach that crawled up his spine until it reached his head where it flooded his brain and Changkyun had his eyes closed, forehead scrunched up, so Jooheon grabbed the back of his neck hard and he winced, and it made Jooheon’s toes curl.

“Look at me,” he said with clenched teeth and Changkyun’s eyes flew open, swimming. “ _fucking_ look at me.” Changkyun’s breath came in short little puffs and his hand fisted into Jooheon’s hair; his bottom lip wound in between his teeth.

“Joo, I’m gonna –” He didn’t get further than that because his eyes rolled back, and a sound broke from his chest that was so raw and fucked out it was almost enough to tip Jooheon over. Changkyun pulled Jooheon’s head backwards while cum spurted all over his hands. Jooheon didn’t slow his movements down in the slightest and Changkyun’s cum mixed with his spit under his palm and Changkyun was shaking and looking at him again now and he tried to say something three times but couldn’t because everything that came out of his mouth were whimpers. Jooheon released his neck and put his hand on Changkyun’s heaving chest instead. His head was spinning beyond control.

“Th-thank you,” Changkyun finally managed to say and he tried to get away from the overstimulation while still riding out his orgasm and a tear escaped the corner of his eye and then it hit Jooheon like a tidal wave crashing in his ears. He bent over, burying his head in Changkyun's shoulder while he came.

“Fuck,” said Changkyun after a while and Jooheon kissed his salty skin and felt Changkyun caressing his scalp. He let go of their cocks and sighed. Closed his eyes. Then he pushed himself up, chuckling. Even now Changkyun was still so beautiful. He couldn’t look at him for a long time before it pulled at his chest and he had to kiss him again, so he did. Maybe it was the lighting.

“That was nice,” Jooheon said and leaned his forehead onto Changkyun’s temple. “Apart from you calling me Joo when you were fucked out of your mind.” It was more a joke than it wasn’t. Jooheon peeked out of the door to see if it was clear and the house seemed to have fallen mostly quiet, so they sprinted across the corridor into the bathroom, naked from the waist down, breaking into a laughing fit after they had managed to close the door behind them. Jooheon threw Changkyun what he assumed was a washcloth soaked with warm water and began to wash his own hands. This would be weird if only it wasn’t. Jooheon had no explanation for why he didn’t mind washing himself with Changkyun in the room. Maybe the alcohol. Probably.

“Yeah, sorry about that,” Changkyun then said out of the blue and Jooheon raised his eyebrows because his mouth was too tired to speak.

“The whole name thing. I know. I know it bothers you, I just …”

“It’s okay, really. It’s more like a … I annoy Minhyuk with it, and he annoys me with it. Doesn’t matter,” Jooheon lied. He didn’t know why he felt like he had to. He didn’t want Changkyun to feel as if he’d done something wrong. Changkyun nodded but Jooheon could tell he didn’t believe him.

 

He convinced Changkyun he could stay the night, not telling him it was mostly because he was sobering up to quickly and his chest was already aching again. To be fair, he didn’t know if it was mostly that. It had to be. When they lay in bed wearing the fresh briefs, that Changkyun didn’t ask why Jooheon had brought, it didn’t even feel like any day out of the ordinary anymore and Jooheon thanked Changkyun for that. He didn’t understand why but smiled. Jooheon put his hand on his cheek and his thumb on his smile in order to be able to remember it better. If he could feel it, maybe it would still be there when Changkyun would wake up with him gone.

“Tomorrow,” Changkyun began and his hand found Jooheon’s waist under the covers. He just put it there. Softly. “Will you leave before I wake up?”

Jooheon swallowed. “Yeah.” He felt Changkyun’s smile disappear.

“Will it make any difference if I ask you … not … to?”

“Changkyun …”

“You feel good, I …” Silence; a breath; Changkyun’s hand twitching on his skin. Then: “I want to see you again.”

“I’m not ve– you’re drunk. You don’t actually.” Jooheon closed his eyes.

“Try me. Call m– oh … Let me call you.” Changkyun huffed out air when Jooheon didn’t respond, and withdrew his hand. “Why did you ask me to stay, then?”

“I don’t know. I shouldn’t have.” It was a lie. Changkyun grabbed his hand that was still on his face.

“That’s a lie,” he said. “Kiss me.” And Jooheon did and their bodies were the only source of warmth in the room, so he didn’t move away after. He opened his eyes and Changkyun was looking at him with an expression impossible to read. Jooheon wanted to say _you feel good for me too_ but didn’t.

“It’s difficult,” he sighed. “I’m difficult.”

“Maybe. Still. If you leave tomorrow wake me up and then I can decide again. I’ll sleep on it. Yeah?” Jooheon wanted to say no right away. It was nicer than just leaving without waking him tomorrow anyways, but he couldn’t. Something in the hard line Changkyun’s mouth formed when he said it, made him want to be honest with him and try. His chest felt strange and he took take a big gulp of the cold air in the room to clear his head and his eyes.

“Okay,” he said. And Changkyun didn’t make him promise anything as if he knew that promises made him panic. Just put his hand back on his waist. Smiled.

The next morning came slowly and the cold winter sun gently lapped at their eyelids, too weak to wake them abruptly. Jooheon turned around and slung an arm over his eyes, feeling the presence of someone next to him. Slowly, images of last night faded back into his mind and because he hadn’t seen Changkyun in the daylight yet, he made extra effort to blink slowly and consciously while turning around to him. Hid hair was falling into his eyes; his breathing was deep and heavy like something was weighing down his chest. Jooheon almost left. Almost couldn’t bare himself marvelling at this man next to him. He remembered last night's moment of clarity in which he had promised himself not to call him, if it came to this. But he had never been good at keeping promises.

Changkyun woke up while Jooheon was looking at him and he stretched, yawned, curled in on himself like a cat. He sighed, and they looked at each other for a couple of seconds.

“You didn’t leave,” Changkyun said, finally and Jooheon had expected this; almost. He reached out to brush a strand of hair out of Changkyun’s eyes.

“I didn’t leave.” And it shouldn’t have sounded so much like a promise, but it did, now that he had said it. It sounded like _and I’m not going to_ was attached to the end of his sentence and he couldn’t tell if Changkyun had heard it too. He hoped he hadn’t. Because he _was_ going to. One way or the other, Jooheon was going to leave and, really, it should have been this morning. So early that his mind only remembered to stay when he was already gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> they were only supposed to kiss, i promise. ((and there will be significantly less of ... that ... in the following chapters.)
> 
> i hope you enjoyed this! it's my first time writing this ship so i'm excited!!! hope you are too!!! aaaaaa 
> 
> pls leave kudos n comments and scream at me here or on my twitter [@honeytrbl](https://twitter.com/honeytrbl). absolutely feel free to also yell at me because of fucked up punctuation. seriously. i'm going to have to learn it eventually??? will i die, never knowing the rules of english punctuation???? you can also always point out any spelling and grammar mistakes since i'm not a native speaker and also just generally really shit at punctuation and. words.
> 
> thanks for reading as always and loooove youuuu ♡
> 
> disclaimer: dont rub your unprotected genitals over someone elses unprotected genitals or put them anywhere near your mouth when you dont know them and thus can't know if they're clean (literally, but also as in free from STDs) !!!!!!!! no no !!!!!!! always use protection kids


	2. 2012 - 2013

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> picking things up almost exaclty where he left them has always been jooheon's speciality. with the emphasis on left. he realises that this time leaving is not all about him. or maybe it is and that's really the whole problem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when i tagged "light angst" i super mega lied to all of you. maybe i cried writing this.

**December 31st / January 1st, 2012-13**

Changkyun supposed that it was due to his high expectations that tonight had turned to such absolute fucking shit. He supposed that generally, because of how he thought things should go, they went in the exact opposite direction. Like the universe was trying to spite him. Like Jooheon was trying to spite him. In order to not look for his boyfriend, who had spent exactly two minutes with him tonight already, he was looking at his phone that had no notifications popping up because everyone he knew was busy enjoying some new year’s eve party, having the time of their lives. He refreshed his Instagram feed and two new stories showed up. Feigning interest, he openend them, well aware that he would forget what they were about the second they ended. The cheap plastic of his 2013-glasses kept sliding down his nose because he was sweating a little and he kept pushing it back up. He refused to come up with what that was an analogy for. Jooheon laughed and he held onto his phone tighter. Then, like the loud music and ten other people in the room were non-existent, he heard Jooheon dropping his voice lower. To an octave that was reserved for him. His head snapped up as if he was a trained dog and he found him immediately. He was leaning against the wall next to the kitchen door lazily, one arm loosely on another guy’s shoulder whose hand was dangerously close to Jooheon’s hips. Changkyun didn’t recognise him. Probably one of Minhyuk’s fucked up friends. Changkyun barely kept himself from snarling and his legs carried him over to where the two of them were standing without them paying him much attention, knowing he shouldn’t. Knowing he should stay put. For peace’s sake. Knowing that Jooheon loved him and would come back to him after this and love him more and only him because he had let him go. Knowing he would say _thank you_ and be so maddeningly gentle that it would shatter any protest in his throat.

“So,” Changkyun injected himself into the conversation despite knowing all this and put his hand on Jooheon’s arm possessively. “Are you gonna spend some time with your boyfriend too or am I going to have to kiss myself into the new year today?” He smiled and batted his lashes and Jooheon wrinkled his forehead when the other guy withdrew his hands as if he had been burned. Changkyun tried to pull Jooheon closer by grabbing the material of his dress shirt at the front but he didn’t budge.

“Are we joined together at the hip or what?” His words were harsh and sudden and nothing like what Changkyun had expected. His hand fisted into the material of Jooheon’s shirt a bit harder and his mouth kept smiling. It was already hard. It already didn’t reach his eyes anymore. Maybe he had expected it a little bit.

“I was just asking, oh my god, it was a joke.” He tried a laugh to dissolve the tension bubbling up between them that Jooheon did not return. Probably because he knew it hadn’t been a joke. None of this was funny and the guy Jooheon had basically making out with excused himself. Changkyun shouldn’t have said anything. He should’ve just kept his mouth shut and give Jooheon the space he always asked for. So kindly asked for before he kissed him. Gently. Like he was afraid he could break him. Like he hadn’t already. But what was that saying again? _That’s how the light gets in_?

 “You’re never _just asking._ Cut the crap.” The venom of Jooheon’s comeback dripped into Changkyun’s open palms when he let go of him. His shirt was crumpled where he had held him just seconds ago.

“Why don’t _you_ cut the crap and tell me what the fuck is going on,” Changkyun gave back, just as venomously and didn’t mean to raise his voice but he did, and he felt Minhyuk’s eyes boring into his side. “You’ve been avoiding me for _weeks_ and tonight you won’t even fucking look at me.  Makes me feel like the only reason we’re here together is out of courtesy.” He didn’t mean that last part. Not fully.

“Jesus Christ can you just BACK off???” Jooheon’s words exploded out of him and Changkyun took a step back as if he’d been whipped. He realised that the other conversations in the room had kind of ebbed away and the annoying synth of the song that was currently playing was pricking at the back of his head. He laughed nervously. Sadly, maybe. Pressed his lips into a thin line. Jooheon looked at him with dark eyes and jutted his chin slightly. Changkyun tried to swallow the dryness out of his throat but it didn’t work, and he was sure Jooheon could hear that when he said: “If you want me to back off so badly why don’t you break up with me already.” And the words left his tongue numb.

Jooheon opened his mouth in something that could have looked like disbelief if this conversation hadn’t been going exactly where Changkyun knew it would go since he had said his part. Jooheon must too. He leaned in and spat his closing line onto the floor between the two of them: “You know what, _Fuck_ you.” There it lay. Ugly and unwanted. He turned around, away, and went up the stairs and the sound of the door slamming then was kind of like the delayed hit Changkyun had already taken. He wished he didn’t remember that exact door. He wished it wasn’t the one Jooheon had pressed him up against one year ago. He wished he didn’t remember exactly how that had made him feel. How full and whole and perfect and how empty he felt in comparison to that now. No one said anything for a second or so and Changkyun was – for the first time – thankful for the godawful music that was blasting from the stereo, before Minhyuk cleared his throat in the most awkward way possible and let out  breathy laugh, pushing past Changkyun with an apologetic smile to follow after the storm that had just left the entire room in a state of disarray.

*** * ***

The door opened less than a minute after he had shut it and Jooheon hoped it wasn’t Changkyun and hoped it was him all the same. He didn’t turn to look even when the light switch was flipped and the window in front of him turned to black tar.

“Alright so you’re gonna spend new year’s in here by yourself or what?”

Despite himself, Jooheon immediately smiled. “If I didn’t know better I would assume you’re offering yourself for company.” Minhyuk laughed and Jooheon heard his footsteps as he approached him slowly. As if he was a wild animal. A wounded one, perhaps.

“After the stunt you just pulled? I’d rather _die,_ ” he gave back and Jooheon turned away from the window because he couldn’t see out of it anymore anyways to look at him.

“So you would.”

Minhyuk was also smiling but his expression changed into worry in the blink of an eye.

“Have you talked to him about it?”

“About?”

“You not being in love with him.”

“I–” Jooheon stopped himself, blinking. Then: “One fight doesn’t mean anything.” He closed his mouth. Bit the insides of his cheeks. Minhyuk stepped in front of him with pursed lips and Jooheon hated that he could read anything he wanted from his eyes. He closed them, just in case. “What do _you_ know.”

“I mean. I'm just assuming. But–”

“But?” Jooheon interrupted him, sharply, not even giving him the chance to finish his sentence. Something was boiling up in his chest again, making his ribcage overflow and it made first his arms feel hot, then his hands, before speeding up his neck.

“But …” Minhyuk waited then, to see if Jooheon was going to lash out again and sighed when he didn’t. “I've known you my entire life and I don’t think you're in love with him.”

“That's bullshit.” Jooheon said and had to rip his eyes open and the light blinded him. Minhyuk raised his hands in defence. Shrugged. As if this was something to shrug at.

“Alright then. So, you are?” His question rang in the silence that followed after. Downstairs, someone tried connecting a new phone to the stereo and there were disruptions in the connection when they were too drunk or too stupid to plug the cable in. For a second there was only everyone’s chatter and Jooheon thought he heard Changkyun laugh. Or maybe it was wishful thinking. There was resignation in his ongoing silence.

“I don't know.”

“What do you mean you don’t _know_?”

“I mean that I don’t fucking know, okay. I just – I don’t _KNOW_!” Jooheon’s voice came out of his mouth without his consent and escalated into a shout. His words hit the bare walls, bouncing right back into his head and he panted, eyes burning. He wished he didn’t remember this room.

“Joo,” Minhyuk said and grabbed Jooheon’s arms from each side. He realised he was shaking only when he wasn’t anymore. “Calm down.” Minhyuk’s hands were hard on his arms until his breathing calmed down. Then he reached out and stroked Jooheon’s hair. Affectionate but carefully; only twice. He sat down on the bed. Both did, with their thighs touching and Jooheon collapsed into Minhyuk’s side.

“Ugh,” he breathed and out of all things this could have been, it sounded annoyed. Not sad, not choked up. Just angry. He wasn't even angry, his body was. His voice was. He thought Minhyuk was going to say something then, but he didn’t so Jooheon was left thinking about what he had just said. He always thought he loved Changkyun. Didn’t he?

“You know how you can’t ever explain why you love someone. You can … try, right? But you can’t ever, like, say it. You can’t grasp it. Once you try it’s gone.”

Minhyuk nodded, slowly and looked at him. Jooheon looked at the floor.

“It’s like that only that I can’t explain why I’m _not_ in love with him.” _Or anyone_. He didn’t say this. “I just … I can’t look at– like, take yourself as an example. I can’t look at you and say I’m not in love with you.” Jooheon looked at Minhyuk then and his eyes were unreadable, so he looked away again. Minhyuk let out a breathy laugh.

“Uh, this … took a turn I didn’t expect?”

“Because,” Jooheon emphasised and realised he hadn’t been breathing properly and his head was ringing, “because I _love you._ And I always– I thought it wouldn’t make a difference. That it’s the same and it doesn’t matter. That everyone … feels like this.” Like he had anticipated, saying it out loud made it worse. So much worse in fact, that Jooheon now had to curl his arms around his chest and fold himself over so he could feel himself breathing on his legs and arms and knew he wouldn’t just deflate and disappear.

 “What about uh, that guy you met in our first year? Jiho, wasn’t it? Didn’t he tell you that he … doesn’t … feel like that when … you– when you guys broke up?” Minhyuk’s voice sounded like his head was underwater and maybe that was because Jooheon wasn’t used to him being so careful around him.

“Jiho was …” Initially, when he had started his sentence Jooheon had meant to say _different_. That Jiho had been an exception. Because he had still loved him when he had left. Because it hadn’t only been a short-term thing with someone who had caught feelings like so many others whose mouths he had left empty. But Jooheon realised then that he wasn’t. He realised that Jiho, and everyone else who hadn’t been able to hold him, were exactly the same in how they had to let him go. If anything, Jiho’s promises were the ones that had cut the biggest chunks out of his tongue. Promises, that Jooheon would be _enough_ , that they could _make it work_ , that he _didn’t mind, really._ They were the same meanings wrapped in different words. Still. Now still. They were Changkyun holding his hand and telling him it was okay if he wanted to take it slow even though they both knew there was nothing slow about them. They were the countless times Changkyun had bit his tongue when Jooheon had held someone else’s hand exactly the same way he held his and the countless times he had told himself it would change if only he waited long enough. If he gave him enough time.

Not thinking about something didn’t make it any less real. Not hearing a tree fall over in a forest didn’t mean no one cut it down. Not staying and leaving everyone before they could leave him wasn’t because he didn’t love them. Because he did. He had. So much. And not even especially Jiho but _all_ of them. Just not in the right way and not how they had needed him to. He had just loved Jiho longer than the rest and Changkyun even longer now than he had loved Jiho and Minhyuk the longest. But it meant nothing. He couldn’t love _anyone_ how they needed him to love them. It was either too little or too much at once so maybe always leaving before they could tell him this was self defence. Maybe he knew anyways. _Not thinking about something doesn’t make it any less real._ But what if it _did_? He took a deep breath and then another one. Pressed his balled fists into his stomach.

“See, when he told me he loved me–”

“Changkyun?” Minhyuk interrupted and Jooheon nodded in response. He nervously licked his lips. They were chapped and hurt like they always did this time of year.

“I said I loved him too and… it wasn’t a lie? I love … him.” This choked him up now. He thought of the soft flutter of Changkyun’s eyelids when he had said it for the first time. He thought his chest must burst into three-thousand pieces. The only thing loving someone for a long time made him realise, was that it was harder for him to leave them when he couldn’t be enough anymore. “I love him.”

“But you’re not in love with him?”

“I’m not _not_ in love with him,” Jooheon said, desperate for it to make any sense out loud. It was like his brain swallowed up all the right words. Everything was perfectly coherent when he thought it but as soon as he tried to put it into sentences it all turned into a big fucking pile of double negations. His hands tried to knead answers out of each other. “But if I’m in love with him, I’m in love with you, too.”

“Does that mean you’re in love with both of us or neither of us.”

“I don’t know. I’m trying to … figure it out. I don’t know.” Minhyuk _hmmed_ in response and Jooheon swam laps in his own head. “It’s … everything and nothing at the same time.” This wasn’t something he could just tell Changkyun. This wasn’t anything at all. And Minhyuk didn’t ask _how long have you known this_ and didn’t say _you should tell him, you know?_ He didn’t say anything, his hand steadily burning a hole from where it lay on Jooheon’s back right through his chest. Jooheon started crying, but only a little bit and he wiped it away with his sleeves right away. For all he could tell, it was probably his heart spilling out of his eyes.

When Minhyuk did say something after all it was less careful. His words at least. “I don’t think it’s fair. For you to figure this out and make him part of that, I mean.” But he still dressed it all up in worry. Possibly that made it worse, because now Jooheon couldn’t lash out on him for what he had said. Because he was only trying to help. Because he was _worried._

“What are you? His attorney?”

Minhyuk sighed. Brushed his thumb over Jooheon’s knee as if to say _I understand. I probably wouldn’t know what to say either._

“I’d better head back out. You coming?”

“Whatever,” Jooheon mumbled but he, too, got up and ignored the sour taste in his mouth. Swallowed it back down.

 

Jooheon thought that maybe he would cry again when his eyes found Changkyun, but he didn’t. Instead he smiled with his entire face and his chest hummed and he felt hot because Changkyun made him _happy._ With his stupid 2013 sunglasses and greasy bangs he made him happy and for a tiny moment, that could’ve existed in complete isolation if it had wanted to, it was like their stupid fucking fight had never happened. Changkyun spotted him and smiled too and pulled him back into the room by interlocking their ring fingers only – a weird habit Jooheon hadn’t picked up on until now.

“We okay?”

“Yeah. Sorry.”

“Yeah?”

“Mhmm.” Jooheon averted his eyes when Changkyun tried to look at him up close. They were probably red from crying but maybe he could play it off as being high if he was going to ask about it. But he didn’t. He wanted whatever he had said to Minhyuk to already seem far away because when he looked at Changkyun he was happy. When he held his hand. When he made him laugh. He was happy. That was all that mattered. It should be.

Changkyun didn’t let go of his finger until the countdown began and Jooheon whispered, “I’m sorry” again and kissed him. The fireworks that went off at midnight reminded him of last year and how he had kissed him then and he tried to _remember._ Changkyun drew back. Looked at him with furrowed brows.

“Me too.” It could’ve almost been a response to the _I love you_ Jooheon had thought. Almost said. Almost. He wanted so badly for it to mean the same thing for both of them. Changkyun leaned in again and his scent was familiar and stung behind Jooheon’s eyes and when Minhyuk hugged him too, he held his face in his hands, checking in on him, eyes darting back and forth between Jooheon’s, it still made no difference. It still felt the same. His heart. It felt now as it had when Changkyun had kissed him. He didn’t know what to make of this. If he had to make anything of this at all. Since Jooheon didn’t know the answer to either, he just left it.

On their way back to Changkyun’s they held hands in silence and Changkyun’s fingers enclosed his from both sides. Like Changkyun knew otherwise there would be something of Jooheon left behind, so he tried to hold as much of him as possible. At his apartment, they kissed each other unhurriedly. Took each other’s clothes off without looking. All the light in the sky hid behind thick clouds and while kissing his way down Changkyun’s chest, Jooheon realised that it could have been anyone else instead and it would’ve not made a difference. Jooheon mourned that night. Grieved, because he knew then, that only because he didn’t want to hurt Changkyun it didn’t mean he was in love with him. For what seemed like hours he smoothed his fingers over Changkyun’s skin as gently as possible and tried to think him into an exception. He wanted him, _all of him,_ in his wholeness to be the exception. But he wasn’t. He couldn’t be. Just like Jiho. Just like anyone who had ever laid their promises into his chest. And Jooheon’s hands took all night to try and tell Changkyun how sorry he was for that without knowing if they meant it or if there was anything still left to do.

*** * ***

At least, when Jooheon had asked him to meet him here today he hadn’t told Changkyun they needed to talk. He knew they had to. Or Jooheon had to. He had been able to tell for weeks now – maybe months – from the way he wouldn’t really hold his hand back anymore and from the way he squinted his eyes shut whenever he fucked him and from the way he only looked at him from across the room whenever they were at Minhyuk's place. Like he felt sorry for him. But Changkyun knew he didn’t. Not really. Not for him. After all it was him who had left Changkyun’s apartment before the crack of dawn today, leaving only a little note that had his untidy handwriting scrawled all over it _. Phone’s dead. Meet me @ B’s 4pm_. As if staying wasn’t a fucking option. With him, it never seemed to be.

It was 4PM and Jooheon was on time and sat down with a small smile in Changkyun’s direction. He didn’t return it. Despite his efforts, his hands broke a cold sweat under the table.

“Hi,” Jooheon said and waved for the waiter to take their orders.

“Hey, What’s wrong?”

Jooheon smacked his lips and ordered two coffees. Black.

“I can’t ask my boyfriend out to a café without something being wrong?” But it didn’t sound nice or funny or dismissive. Changkyun held his comeback and instead reached over the table to take Jooheon’s hands into his, leaning down to kiss them like he always did. Or used to. Joo withdrew his hands and Changkyun leaned back in his seat.

“So,” he concluded. “Something _is_ wrong.”

He didn’t say: _You flip out on me during the new year’s party telling me to back off, then kiss me, then fuck me. Tell me you don’t mean any of it. Tell me you’re sorry, tell me you love me. But I can tell you don’t mean any of that either. Then you leave my apartment at approximately 6AM this morning probably so you don’t have to look at me in the daylight and tell me to meet you here ten hours later just to have a chat?_

He did say: “Wild guess: you're breaking up with me.” And it hurt to hear it. He thought it would be easier if he was the one saying it, but it wasn’t.

Jooheon narrowed his eyes and snarled: “What the fuck, Changkyun.”

Silence. The sun came in through the large windows at an awkward angel and dunked only half of Jooheon’s face and his hands in honey. He shot the waiter a small smile when he set down their mugs and Changkyun thought that he always wanted to kiss him most whenever he smiled. Instead of saying more, Changkyun took small sips of his coffee, waiting for the storm until Jooheon squared his shoulders.

 “You’re right I – don’t think we should see each other anymore.”

A small nod. Motioning for him to keep going. For some reason Changkyun’s stomach fell even though he knew this was going to happen. Was still falling. He held onto the side of his chair for support when he would’ve much preferred Jooheon’s hands.

 “I can’t keep– You expect me to be someone I … can’t … be.” As the words hung heavy in the air between them Changkyun could tell they weren’t what Jooheon had wanted to say. Or maybe they were but they had sounded different in his head. He didn’t take them back, though. Changkyun wanted so badly for Jooheon to take them back.

“Wow, okay?” He blinked a couple of times and ignored the aching that felt like a billion paper cuts right under his lungs. For some reason, he felt cold instead of flooded with tears. “You couldn’t have told me this yesterday when you were already screaming at me anyways? I could’ve just stayed in bed.” Changkyun knew this wasn’t fair the second the words left his mouth. Jooheon clicked his tongue against his front teeth in annoyance. Or maybe regret.

“Don’t make this about yourself,” he gave back, and his tone of voice made Changkyun bite the inside of his cheek. Jooheon was gripping his mug so hard Changkyun thought it was going to snap any second now. Either that or Jooheon was.

“It’s not about me?”

“It’s about _us_.”

“Really?” Changkyun tried to smile but for some reason it didn’t make it onto his face. He didn’t know why he was bitter. Or why he didn’t want Jooheon to know that he was. As if he didn’t already know that. “Or is this about you?”

As an excuse not to say anything, Jooheon raised his mug and started drinking, but he didn’t speak even when he set it back down. Changkyun wondered how many breakups this coffee shop had seen. Looking at his hands now, that kept aimlessly and tirelessly folding and unfolding the bill, Jooheon began to soften. It always took time – only time – to soften him.

The coffee machine hissed, and his shoulders dropped; a couple behind him laughed and he unclenched his teeth; a dog outside the shop barked at a bird in a tree and a shaky breath that Jooheon had been holding for exactly thirty-two seconds finally escaped him. He dropped the wrinkly piece of paper onto the table again and his hands into his lap. Changkyun heard a child crying somewhere.

 

“I wish I could have treated you better.” Suddenly, Jooheon’s voice sounded small. Changkyun had never wanted to make him sad; mostly, because he was shit at comforting people.

“Shut up,” Changkyun gave back. It was immediate and Jooheon’s eyes met his for the sliver of a second. He hated how much Jooheon always wished he had or wished he could have or whished he would. He never did. And that was the whole fucking point. He didn’t even fucking look at him now that he was actually breaking up with him. Suddenly Changkyun was angry at Jooheon for pitying himself out of all people.

“I’m sorry,” said Jooheon suddenly instead of shutting up and every word he had said so far had been drenched in apologies but hearing it made it worse and he raised his hand halfway over the table, as if he wanted to take Changkyun’s. He didn’t though. He let it hang in the air kind of limply, where both of them could look at it. As if he had any right to be sorry. As if the only thing he was sorry for wasn’t himself. As if this meant anything at all. Changkyun put his mug down and it made a sharp noise on the table and replied: “I know.”

He didn’t say: _It doesn’t matter, if you don’t know what for._

He didn’t say: _I am too._

He didn’t say: _I tried to be enough for you but that probably made it too much._

 

Changkyun sighed and let his hand fall back into his lap just as Jooheon finished his coffee.

“I’m going now.”

“Who’s paying for the coffee?”, Changkyun asked, reaching for the bill.

“I am.”

“You don’t have to.”

“Then why fucking ask,” Jooheon shot back and he had probably not meant for it to sound as harsh as he did, but Changkyun didn’t flinch either way. Just handed him the piece of paper. Changkyun knew he wanted this. He wanted him to get mad at him, scream probably. But this was the best he could do on a Thursday afternoon, when he still had the imprint of his fingers on his lips. When he could still taste him at the back of his tongue. It was sour now. So, he didn’t say much else. Changkyun didn’t look up when Jooheon stood and he didn’t look up when he put on his coat.

“I’ll text you,” Jooheon assured him. Softly. It probably sounded wrong even in his ears. Even though Changkyun knew this had been coming and he knew there was only one way out of this and that was out and even though he knew he didn’t want Jooheon to stop texting him. He didn’t want to stop seeing him. He didn’t want them to be about relationships and relationships ending because Jooheon had once said relationships ending wasn’t the same thing as people ending but apparently it was now. They were now. Ending. Over.

 _I’ll text you._ It sounded like a peace offering, even though there shouldn’t have been peace to be made to begin with. Finally, Changkyun managed to look at something other than the coffee stained rim of his mug and thought: _please don’t._

The unsaid words hung in the still air between them when Jooheon walked over to the till and paid for both coffees and when Changkyun felt the barista looking back and forth between them only half interested but knowingly. It reverberated in the space between Changkyun's lips that were parted only minimally, inhaling the scent of his now cold coffee when neither Jooheon nor him said goodbye.

It was only hours later that Changkyun let himself cry. The tears ripped through his lungs like splinters of ice that had melted in his chest over time and he pressed his knees into his ribcage so hard he felt like it might bruise. Everything in his apartment was Jooheon. He was the keys in the bowl on the console table, and the lactose free milk in the fridge that Changkyun could see from where he was sitting on his bedroom floor only that of course he couldn’t, and he was the smell of Yasmin shampoo folded into every single fucking wrinkle of his bedsheets. Their bedsheets. His bedsheets. Now.

 _I’ll text you._ It became a lifeline, a mantra, his white noise. Changkyun thought that it was impossible to love someone this much, but he did. He fucking did. And he thought that maybe if you loved someone so endlessly and desperately it was okay to _pretend_ only for the sake of making it through to the other side of whatever the fuck this was.

_I’ll text you. I’ll text you._

_(I Promise) I’ll text you._

But Jooheon never did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you as always for reading my darlings. people have reported crying and i am one of them. pls don't hate me for this i will tie the loose ends back together eventually (most of them anyways). 
> 
> you can find me on twitter [@honeytrbl](https://twitter.com/honeytrbl) in the time that i will take to write the next chapter (so forever) !!! 
> 
> comments, kudos and any form of constructive criticism is always welcome. also please point out my fucked up punctuation so i can change it cuz i suck at it. have a fab morning afternoon or evening whenever it is that you read this; love you <3


	3. 2013 - 2014

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jooheon is, if possible, even more torn between all the different definitions of missing and loving someone he can find. he knows he's missed him. he _knows_. so why can't he just say it? he can only kiss him. maybe his lips are the only part of him that is always honest. does that make things better, or worse?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you my darling angel [sin](https://twitter.com/softbot_sin) for reading and re-reading and reviewing this chapter like a champ and telling me it's decent. i 100% wouldn't have finished this without you.

**December 31st / January 1st, 2013-14**

“Are you sure you’re going to have that?”

Jooheon chose to ignore Kihyun who had been nagging him all evening about ‘knowing his limits’ and ‘keeping it together tonight’ and it wasn’t like Jooheon hadn’t been keeping it together. He had probably only had like three or five drinks and maybe another four or so shots with Minhyuk – in the men’s bathroom and from a bottle his friend had brought, while holding the door closed from the inside, hysterically giggling in the act – that they swore they wouldn’t let Kihyun know about. He tipped his head back and emptied his glass, placing it on the table in front of them with an extra-large smile and Kihyun sighed.

“You were saying? I could see your lips moving, words must’ve been coming out but –” Kihyun hit him with a slight smile, shutting him up and Jooheon patted his hand, that was resting on his thigh. His fingertips were already starting to tingle and warm up a bit. Good. The air inside the bar was stuffy from the amount of people in here drinking and exhaling the alcohol and from the light coating of dust everything here seemed to have. Jooheon leaned back, stretching his arms over his head and tried not to wish Minhyuk had invited more people than just the two of them. It was despite himself. The less people the better, right? Who was he wanting to see, anyways.

“Come one Kihyunnie when do we ever get a night off?”

“ _We_?” Kihyun quoted him imitating his voice badly. “Not so often. You on the other hand …”

“Oh, shut up I haven’t been taking any extra time off since starting my masters,” Jooheon defended himself pouting and Kihyun grimaced.

“That look doesn’t work on me.” He was bluffing. Jooheon knew he was. Because his hand was still on his thigh and he was watching his lips and his eyes were crinkling as he said this.

Jooheon knew. He knew who he was wanting to see.

“It’s _new years eve_ ”

“You don’t give a –”

“Only because I personally don’t find any enjoyment in the day doesn’t mean the generally valid conventions and rules don’t apply to me all the same. Shut it. I’m getting as drunk as I want.” Instead of answering, Kihyun smiled slyly and withdrew his hand. Pity. Jooheon would never tell him that he found his nagging annoying. He wasn’t his boyfriend. He wasn’t his mother. Even if he were, he’d still find it annoying. But he was cute, so he let it slide.

“SOMEONE SAID DRUNK HERE I AM,” Minhyuk announced his presence and plopped down onto his chair opposite of them. His cheeks were an unattractive shade of pink and his forehead oily.

“Did you just suck someone off in the bathroom? What are you so sweaty for?”, Jooheon commented and Minhyuk attempted to throw a paper napkin at him, but overestimated its flight capacity greatly, so that they all watched the yellow paper swiftly gliding back onto the table, making it barely halfway across.

“EXCUSE ME?”

Kihyun stifled a laugh and Jooheon had half a mind to crumple the napkin before throwing it back and hitting Minhyuk straight in the face.

“I was about to say,” Minhyuk began dramatically and sighed with a pained expression, “how _glad_ I was that you two came out with me tonight to celebrate the turning of the year, but it seems like I’ve pledged my allegiance to the wrong team.”

“Not our fault you look like you just ran a marathon after taking a shit,” Kihyun fired back and Minhyuk squealed: “ALRIGHT ENOUGH!!!!” Which made Jooheon burst into laughter and almost sent Kihyun falling off the bench from bending over so hard and that was definitely due to the amount of drinks they’ve had. “No more comments about my post-shitting face.” Jooheon straightened his expression and nodded.

“I solemnly swear –”

“AH,” Minhyuk suddenly exclaimed and interrupted him, when he had just been about to give the speech of a lifetime. He frowned but Minhyuk grabbed his hands over the table, leaning in closer. “THEY ARE PLAYING THE SONG I REQUESTED!”

And Kihyun asked: “You can request songs?” At the same time Jooheon asked: “Which song?” Because he couldn’t for the life of him hear anything at all which was surprising because where else was the deafening noise coming from, if not the music. Minhyuk shushed them both, not letting go of Jooheon's hands and began humming along to something, singing half words, because he couldn’t remember the lyrics. He scrunched up his face on a high note and suddenly Jooheon recognised the song and his eyebrows shot up.

“YOU DIDN’T!”

“I DID!!!!” His words were in falsetto.

“DID WHAT?” Kihyun interjected, but suddenly it was like he was in a different string of existence, when the song transferred into the chorus and Minhyuk held their hands into the air and they screamed along to it and they were thirteen again.

Thirteen and in the basement of Jooheon’s house on New Year’s Eve with all the windows shut and the door locked so none of his parent’s party guests would walk in on them and with the new stereo that Jooheon’s grandparents had gotten him for that year’s Christmas cranked up as far as it would go, blasting _Toxic_ from its speakers so loud it had made the two of them basically unreactive to any slightly quieter noise for the following two hours. Jooheon remembered being stuffed on Christmas sweets and buffet food from going out to an expensive restaurant that night and he remembered holding Minhyuk's hands like now, but twirling around each other, wanting to sing along to every word but not knowing them when Minhyuk did so he just pretended he knew them anyways and Minhyuk pretended he didn’t notice. Jooheon remembered being whole and happy and well and probably a little buzzed because he had taken a sip out of pretty much every aunt’s and uncle’s champagne glass that evening. It felt lifetimes ago. And at the same time as if it had been just yesterday.

“With a TASTE of your lips I’m on a riiiiiiiide,” Minhyuk sang so out of tune it should have made Jooheon cringe but instead it just made him smile and laugh more and he let go of one of Minhyuk's hands to hook his arm around Kihyun's shoulders who was trying to film the whole thing, hiding his laughter inside of his palm. When Jooheon tried to mimic Britney’s adlibs and threw in some of his own, switching between octaves painfully, his voice cracked and Minhyuk squeezed his fingers extra hard. His head was swimming and spinning and at the end of the song they were both gasping for air. Actually, all three of them were and Kihyun leaned against his side wheezing softly and panting and giggling and when Minhyuk ordered another round Jooheon cheered even though he definitely didn’t need anymore.

“Oh my god,” Kihyun said then and braced himself on Jooheon’s arm before holding up his phone triumphantly. “I’m so glad I got that.” He shook some hair out of his face and frowned at the shaky recording he was now looking at, placing the phone on the table. “Or at least some of that. Before you,” he jabbed his finger into Jooheon’s side. “Before you attempted to smother me.” Their distorted voices were blaring from the bad phone speaker and Minhyuk reached for the device but Kihyun snatched it up.

“Show this to _anyone_ and I’ll _scalp_ you,” Minhyuk threatened but his words were slurred which made him sound a whole lot less menacing than he had probably anticipated.

“I’ll let you try,” Kihyun gave back, sliding the phone into his pocket and his eyes disappeared into his cheeks, that’s how much he was grinning. He was so pretty.

“Forreal though, I haven’t listened to Britney in like FOOOREVER,” Minhyuk whined and put his head onto the table. Because it was cold, maybe. Or colder than the surrounding air anyways. Jooheon eyed the array of sticky looking liquids Minhyuk's hair was really super fucking close to touching but decided against intervening,

“I know,” he said instead, “When did that come out?”

“I dunno like … two thousand and fucking-forever-ago.”

“Two thousand and three, actually,” Kihyun offered and Minhyuk groaned and Jooheon looked at his side profile and Kihyun caught him staring but he didn’t mind.

“How do you keep all this information in your tiny head,” Jooheon asked, contemplative and held his palm against Kihyun's face to see what was bigger. He didn’t come to any conclusion because before he could begin to estimate, Kihyun grabbed his hand and held it and put their intertwined fingers into his lap.

“I’m a music production major.”

“ _So am_ _I,_ ” Jooheon whined and Kihyun patted his hand encouragingly and when he tried to poke his dimple Jooheon took a snap at his finger, barely missing. He grinned.

“You’ll get there.”

“Asshole,” Jooheon gave back and withdrew his hand and Kihyun narrowed his eyes, a shit eating grin taking over his face, when he said: “What? Right now? I know you’re into fucking in public but that’s a bit extreme, don’t you think,” and Minhyuk – who Jooheon had almost forgotten and who had still been lying with his head on the sticky table until then – let out a scream and made Kihyun high five him.

“You are unbelievable! Both of you! Why am I even here,” Jooheon tried to revolt, but he couldn’t hold back his laughter and they were still chuckling and giggling a minute later. Because their drinks still hadn’t arrived Minhyuk craned his neck to look over to the bar, that was tucked away closer to the entrance and his eyes suddenly went wide. He sat up straight. Smiled with all of his teeth. Like he had just gotten surprising news. Or good news. Or news that were surprisingly good.

“HEY! Isn’t that Kyun? Behind the bar? That’s crazy I didn’t know he worked here!” And Jooheon’s body reacted before he had even processed what Minhyuk had said. His stomach plummeted to the floor at approximately three hundred miles per hour and his chest tightened up and his hands broke a cold sweat and his first instinct was flight which is why his thighs hit the table when he got up so fast his vision went black for a split second and he had to hold onto Kihyun’s shoulder.

“Woah, you alright dude?”

“Need the toilet,” Jooheon mumbled without moving his lips out of the way of his words and he hadn’t even seen Changkyun and was already running away. He thought he heard Kihyun ask something else then, probably who the fuck Kyun was, but his brain was melting out of his ears onto the floor, so he paid it no mind. When he pushed in between people to get to the hallway at the backside of the building that lead to the restrooms he didn’t apologise for stepping on people’s feet. It was new years. They probably thought he was going to be sick. Maybe he was. He hoped he was. He hoped this had nothing to do with Changkyun and everything with the last drink he’d downed. It felt like his ribcage was being pulled apart from the inside. His eyes flickered to a digital clock that hung above a door usually leading out to a patio that was closed off in winter. Ten pm.

He leaned against the wall in an effort to ground himself. In an effort to do anything but fall to fucking pieces in the middle of this bar. Minhyuk was next to him in under a minute, which wasn’t surprising at all but he still wished he wasn’t or wished he was Changkyun who had seen him run off or wished it wasn’t or wished he was at home or it was two years ago or wished he could make himself invisible at will or wished Changkyun was holding him in between his hands again and wished that didn’t mean he had to love him the same way Changkyun loved him and wished he knew what that meant and didn’t and wished he had stopped thinking about this when they last saw each other which had been June which had resulted in him leaving and fleeing and running away too. _Again_.

“You gonna say hi? Or what?” Minhyuk said, prodding his arm and Jooheon fled away from the touch without knowing why. He exhaled shakily.

“Yeah sure. I mean, He’s working. I wouldn’t want to, you know,” his voice was small. He was slurring his words. He was drunk and on top of that, panicking. Minhyuk hummed dissatisfied and at least retracted his hand. He mustered him curiously.

“What are you going to do once I’m gone and no one can kick your ass anymore hmm?”, Minhyuk said half jokingly. Maybe only quarter jokingly. Jooheon wasn’t in the mood for jokes anymore, so he shrugged. It was as if that was the only thing his shoulders still knew how to do. Minhyuk bumped his shoulder into his. “Hey, lighten up! I thought Kyun and you were on good terms.”

“We are, we – we are.”

“What’s that face then.” He bumped his shoulder again, falling into his side because he lost his balance and looked up at Jooheon, smiling. Gullible. He’d miss him. This. Everything. Stupid fucking university for not offering the course Minhyuk wanted to do but granting Jooheon a full scholarship. Stupid fucking decisions. Stupid fucking distance. He wished it was nine years ago. Or if not that, at least fifteen minute ago.

“I just didn’t expect it. That’s all.”

“You told me you’ve been talking.”

“We have …” Like, three times, maybe four; bumping into each other in the hallways or the cafeteria or the library, every single time increasingly making it worse how much they had to say to each other and how little they knew how say it all. Jooheon didn’t admit this. Instead let Minhyuk pat his cheek with his sweaty palm and land a wet kiss on his jaw because that was where he could reach him from his slumped, half-fallen-over position.

“You need another drink my friend.”

“You know me well.” Jooheon smiled despite himself. “I’ll just take a breather yeah, be right back.” And Minhyuk accepted that with wonky finger guns as he backed into the bar again and left Jooheon alone with the cold that was seeping in from under a door – probably the back entrance. He needed fresh air, so he tried the handle, even though the door said _staff only_ but having fucked one of the staff members probably qualified him for member benefits. The door opened easily, and the cold air cut through Jooheon’s heated skin like tiny ice particles. Maybe it was snowing. He couldn’t tell. He took a deep breath and another one. It was just Changkyun. What was he so afraid of. Himself? Maybe. That he would want to kiss him as badly as he had in June? Possibly.

“Uh, sorry, this area is, uh, staff only you can’t really –” Changkyun’s voice froze in his throat when Jooheon turned around to face him. It was dark, but they knew each other best without the lights on anyways.

“You work here.” It wasn’t a question but Changkyun said: “I’m on break,” as if to answer. Then they both said nothing again. It was so quiet that Jooheon thought he could hear Changkyun blink. Then swallow. Then blink again.

 “I –”, Changkyun began, stepping outside fully and pushing a brick into the door crack, but he didn’t get further than that because Jooheon launched forward, backing him up against the wall next to the door. He stumbled, caught himself on the cold stone and Jooheon was so close to him that the heat and the smell of cigarettes he was emitting mixed with his cold breath. He closed his eyes. Swayed.

“Joo …” Changkyun breathed and the use of the nickname made Jooheon falter and he felt his throat drying and shrivelling and they were looking at each others’ eyes just like that. Changkyun continued, “I’ve been … wanting to … kiss you every single day of last year” after several heartbeats and Jooheon still not moving away from him. He said this probably only because they couldn’t really see each other. Because their eyes hadn’t gotten used to all the dark yet.

“Why didn’t you?” Jooheon closed his eyes when he said this, and it still wasn’t dark enough for how much it sounded like he was in love with him. Changkyun’s answer to that was a shaky inhale and when Jooheon opened his eyes again he was still right in front of him. Of course. Where he should be. Where he should have been. He raised both hands to Jooheon’s face and cupped his cheeks carefully. Not like Jooheon was breakable, but like he was the thing that could do the breaking if handled with too little care. His palms were rough on Jooheon’s skin but his fingers soft, his thumb stroking over his chin and cheekbone like he was trying to see with it, his left index finger running along the shell of Jooheon’s ear and he shivered. All of this was real. Sometimes he thought everything Changkyun had made him feel had been a figment of his imagination, but he could feel it again now. Coiling in his stomach, tingling in his nape. He reached out to hold Changkyun’s waist and leaned into him, so their breath was mixing in the cold air. It was freezing wherever Changkyun wasn’t touching him and by now he was certain it was snowing.

“I missed you,” Changkyun sighed, and it sounded choked up and Jooheon clenched his jaw, not saying anything. Changkyun’s hands wound themselves around his neck and Jooheon pressed into him harder, as if that could make his words go away. Or the intention behind them. Jooheon needed them to go away so he could kiss him again without feeling like he was lying. So, he still said nothing and dug his hands into the soft skin of Changkyun’s hip and he hissed. He thought: _I missed you too._

“You didn’t miss me, then?” Jooheon could hear Changkyun’s frown and broke away from the almost kiss, eyes closed. _Not enough._

“Fuck,” he exclaimed and rubbed a spot between his brows that had begun to hurt. “Why can’t we just kiss and not turn it into anything? Why can’t this just be the hook-up it was supposed to be from the start? You always have to make something out of it why can’t we just let it _be._ ” He sounded exasperated. Accusing. He hadn’t meant to. Maybe his hands had meant to. He dropped them to his side and stared at the wall behind Changkyun.

“We dated for a year,” he replied. Coldly. He was still frowning and Jooheon wanted to kiss him senseless. But not like this. His hand twitched towards him. _Not like this_. “A _year_ , Jooheon, are you even listening to yourself? You can’t accidentally date someone for twelve whole fucking months, oh my god,” his voice was calmer than it should have been. Maybe he had been preparing to say these words. Maybe he had been arranging them since June.

“I told you I’m difficult, I said it when we – I told you.” Jooheon sounded desperate, even to himself. Desperate for what? Redemption? Forgiveness? What was it worth, if he didn’t know what he wanted to be forgiven for. Maybe for not knowing how to keep promises. Or for trying to, anyways. Changkyun laughed bitterly.

“You know what, no. I’m done,” he said then and it was laced with tiredness. Not ten-pm-having-worked-all-day-tiredness. Tiredness over the conversation they were having. Had been having for two years without ever really saying anything at all. Nothing that mattered anyways. And only because they had stopped speaking for almost a year that didn’t mean the conversation had ended. Changkyun sounded tired of _him_. And it was the first time that had happened, and it sliced a piece right out of Jooheon’s ribcage. When Changkyun turned to leave he reached out and touched, really merely brushed his forearm with his fingertips but Changkyun froze in his movements immediately. Like he knew what his intention was anyways. He never even needed force when it came to him.

“Please don’t, that’s not what I –” Jooheon began but then stopped himself. There was static in his head when Changkyun didn’t interrupt him. When instead he turned back towards him and leaned against the opposite wall again but this time crossing his arms instead of holding his face and smoothing his thumbs over his cheeks.

Neither one of them spoke, but at least he wasn’t leaving anymore. Jooheon didn’t know where he had wanted to take the sentence when he had started it. He had expected him to go. Even though Changkyun wasn’t someone who walked out on people. _He_ was. Why didn’t he know that? _Still_. There was an apology or ten hanging from the tip of Jooheon's tongue, but he rolled all of them back up and folded them into his cheek. He sighed. Every time he tried to say what he wanted to say it came out as a string of completely different words that made Changkyun want to leave him. The last thing Jooheon wanted was for Changkyun to leave, he realised that then.

“Well?” Changkyun said and his voice was unexpectantly soft. Still, he did not speak. He couldn’t. It felt like he had tried to swallow a stone but had instead become the stone and his hands were shaking again when he tried to rearrange the words in his head and put them behind his teeth in the right order to say them in, so he could stop fucking and _fucking_ this up.

Changkyun sighed too now and he softened even more. Uncrossed his arms and opened them. Against all expectations, he opened them as if to say: _come here, don’t worry._ And Jooheon’s response was immediate, like he was trained to do this. He felt tears pricking at the inside of his skull and swallowed them back into his throat like bile when he stepped towards him again and buried his face in his shoulder and Changkyun closed his arms around him and breathed into his hair and it was like three-hundred-sixty-five days passed in one second and the distance between them closed. Maybe it had been there only because Jooheon had thought it into existence.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me, maybe I’m fucking aromantic,” Jooheon mumbled and it was the first time he had said something to Changkyun that had sounded almost exactly the way he had intended for it to sound. It was better than nothing. He held his breath and felt Changkyun nod and a single tear rolled over the side of his face toward the bridge of his nose, but it wasn’t enough to make it over the bump, so it just sat there hot and wet and blurring out his view.

“There’s nothing wrong with you.” Changkyun’s voice was so cautious Jooheon had to stifle a sob. He just shrugged. Didn’t ask how he even knew what aromantic was. As if he himself hadn’t found the word for it on accident.

“I couldn’t –” Jooheon began and broke off and then tried again “I just didn’t –” but the last word broke out of him ugly and with the sob he had been holding in his chest since the start of the conversation and Changkyun shushed him and rocked him from side to side and stroked his back and if possible that just made it worse. The last fucking thing he had wanted to do tonight was cry into his exes’ shoulder in a dingy alleyway behind a bar on new years eve.

“It’s alright. I’m not –” He heard Changkyun swallowing around his own tongue. “I’m not mad, I … should’ve asked or I don’t know, listened to you better.” His voice wavered. And Jooheon allowed him to take some of the blame even thought it wasn’t his to take. None of this was. “I’m sorry for trying to …” Changkyun’s sentence trailed off and he didn’t pick it back up. He just held Jooheon like the last year hadn’t happened. Perhaps there was only one thing he could pick up at a time.

“So, I guess now we’re back to the start, then,” Changkyun said eventually, when Jooheon peeled himself out of the embrace and he felt tired. Changkyun held him at arms length and mustered him. Tried a smile. “We okay?” And inevitably Jooheon heard the Changkyun he had left last year at Minhyuk's. He reached for Changkyun’s hand tentatively and laced their fingers together, nodding.

“Are you?”

“Yeah,” Changkyun replied and it seemed dishonest but Jooheon forced himself to ignore it. Just for now. Then Jooheon said: “Let’s always stay here. Like this, I mean. Together.” But what he meant was: _please don’t leave me_ , even though he had been the one who had left in the first place and it was still probably the sincerest thing he had ever said to him. Something pulled at his chest and he realised it was guilt. He didn’t know how to get rid of it, but Changkyun squeezed his hand so he thought this was going to have to do for tonight.

“So … My breaks only going to last for another like,” he checked his wristwatch Jooheon had never seen him wear. Of course, he hadn’t. He wouldn’t have. “Twenty minutes and my ass is literally freezing off.”

“Oh god no! Anything but the ass!” Jooheon said over-dramatically and Changkyun laughed and it felt as light and good as it was supposed to.

“On a scale from one to ten how much do I look like I just cried my fucking eyes out.”

Changkyun bit his lip to suppress a grin and Jooheon groaned.

“Alright,” he said. “Let’s face the mob.” Only then let Changkyun go of his hand.

 

It was just past eleven when Changkyun asked about Kihyun for the first time.

“So, you’re completely unaware of the fact that he is pining over you?” Jooheon didn’t miss a beat before he shrugged and said: “I guess so.” His eyes flicked to where he was standing, engrossed in a conversation with a friend he had bumped into, making sure he didn’t hear them. Kihyun threw his head back as he laughed and looked over at the two of them still sitting. Quickly, fleetingly. When their eyes met, he smiled.

“Oh yeah?” Changkyun’s tone was mocking.

“Yeah,” Jooheon replied and narrowed his eyes to lend weight to his statement and if that would make it any truer. Or make it less bad that it wasn’t. “Don’t be ridiculous we’re just hanging out.” Changkyun hummed and studied the menu too closely for the fact that he worked here and Jooheon could see how his jaw muscles tensed while he was thinking but then he grinned. When Kihyun came back to the table and slid into the space next to Jooheon effortlessly, Changkyun tapped his foot against Jooheon’s under the table. He lifted his gaze from his hands and met Changkyun’s immediately.

 _Kiss me_. That’s what it meant. That’s what he was saying when he tapped his foot again. It was a stupid signal they had agreed on somewhere along the line without ever talking about it or knowing when it had happened. _Kiss me_. And Jooheon wanted to. Or his body wanted to. And so, he tapped Changkyun’s foot back and for some reason when Kihyun said something about ordering another round and him paying, Jooheon was staring at Changkyun’s lips and only heard half of it. But Changkyun denied. Said he wanted to go for a smoke before he had to go back to work and Kihyun laughed at some dumb joke Changkyun then made about that. To be fair, both of them laughed. It felt nice. Laughing with him. He felt nice.

“He’s nice,” Kihyun said after Changkyun was out of earshot, his eyes following Changkyun out of the room and Jooheon just hummed in agreement. _Nice._

“How do you know each other again?”

“Huh? Oh uh, we just hung out a couple of times because we both know Minhyuk, that’s all.”

“Cool.”

“Yeah.” Jooheon tapped his fingers onto the table for ten seconds until he couldn’t bear it anymore and excused himself to the toilet. Instead of the bathroom his legs found their way to the backdoor that was still slightly ajar, with a brick pushed into the crack to hold it open.

“Okay, _kiss me_?” Jooheon already said while he was stepping through the door outside, voice unwavering, stern almost, as if the words couldn’t stay in his throat any longer. “Are you shitting me?” and Changkyun’s head snapped up from his phone, eyes narrowing.

“Did you follow me outside?” Changkyun was just lighting his cigarette which made his words mumbly and Jooheon helped him shelter the flame from the wind instinctively, which earned him a smile with the empty corner of Changkyun’s mouth.

“No counter questions,” Jooheon shot back, as if Changkyun’s question didn’t have just one definite answer. Jooheon didn’t know why he sounded angry. Maybe it was supposed to be demanding but his half drunken brain couldn’t make the distinction anymore.

“It’s –” Changkyun stopped himself and took a drag and for the fraction of a second he seemed sad. Maybe that was the alcohol making Jooheon’s head swim, too. Maybe that was him being sad. Maybe he saw his own eyes reflected in Changkyun’s. He was the one who had been bawling his fucking eyes out on this exact wall only about half an hour ago, after all. He was glad when Changkyun tore his gaze away from him and fixated the floor next to Jooheon's foot. He bumped their feet against each other for the third time tonight and took another drag from his cigarette. “It’s just a kiss, right? Isn’t that what you’re all about?”

Jooheon hesitated before he replied. “Yeah,” he said. “Just a kiss.” Why were they doing this. The air was icy and froze Jooheon’s lungs from the inside.

“And it doesn’t mean anything.”

“It just means whatever a kiss means.” This time his response cam faster. Why was he doing this.

“Right.” Changkyun’s voice wavered. Only the slightest bit but it was there and Jooheon felt his throat closing up.

“We don’t have to if ... you don’t want to.”

“I suggested it, didn’t I?” Changkyun’s words were brash. Eventually, he met Jooheon’s eyes again. He looked good with his hair like this. Jooheon wondered for how long it had been this dark. He wondered what else he had missed. He regretted not texting Changkyun when he had promised he would. And he didn’t regret it. He believed both of these things. His mind was one thing now and another thing then and all he did was move in circles around it.

Somewhere out front a glass bottle clattered against the curb and shattered and the sound made Jooheon jump even though it was distant and faint. Changkyun grabbed his neck but didn’t pull him any closer. Just smoothed his hand over Jooheon’s skin so perfectly that it calmed him down in an instant and it hurt and tugged at Jooheon’s stomach that didn’t want to remember. This was bullshit. This only felt the way it did because he was still used to it. Because it wasn’t clumsy. Because Changkyun knew this neck better than his own. It had been a year. He would touch this neck exactly like this, even if it wasn’t attached to Jooheon. _I missed you._ He breathed deeply. Changkyun’s eyes glinted dangerously. Then he let his neck go and put his cigarette out on the wall, leaving a grey stain and they went back inside.

 

A small tv screwed to the wall above the bar showed a grainy image of a countdown. Five hundred thirty-five, it said. Most of the people usually stayed inside during the fireworks, is what Minhyuk had said so, naturally, they were going to head outside. Jooheon was pretty buzzed, so he didn’t really mind. Still, or again, but it didn’t help with feeling less like he had to kiss Changkyun in this very second in order to not lose his mind either way. At least he could watch him and make it look like his eyes were glued to the on-screen countdown. Did that make it better, or worse? He didn’t have much to do now, he had already filled glasses and was merely handing them out to everyone who wanted to drink themselves into the new year. There were tiny pearls of sweat forming above Jooheon’s top lip because it was so hot in here. When Changkyun started wiping down the counter for the fourth time Jooheon got out his phone.

-  when willkwe makeout

He saw Changkyun padding his pockets, then his eyes flitting down to where he was possibly holding his phone. His lips twitched, and he looked over at Jooheon who feigned disinterest, turning to Kihyun who was excitedly shaking his unlit sparklers. Minhyuk was sitting on the table instead of a chair, his arm hooked around some girls neck he had just made friends with, both of them already counting down even though it was still five minutes to go. His phone buzzed and Kihyun looked over at it, so he turned the vibrations off. Why, he didn’t really know.

\- **not yet** , Changkyun replied. Jooheon frowned. Maybe pouted. When he replied, he tried hard to hit the right keys this time.

\- huh

\- **im working**

\- **@ midnight ok**

\- why

Changkyun didn’t reply right away so Jooheon looked up to see him bent over behind the bar, rummaging around. He got out a lighter and handed it to a group of girls with a square smile. The one where he pressed his lips together. Then he went back to typing.

\- **cuz**

Then nothing. Jooheon stared at his phone in his hands and his thumb hovered over the keyboard impatiently.

“WE’RE GOING OUTSIDE YOU COMING?” Minhyuk yelled over the music and chatter of everyone and it was too close to Jooheon’s ear, so he flinched.

“Sure,” he replied, and Kihyun handed him his big coat before putting on his own. When he got up, he bumped into the neighbouring table, but everyone laughed and the only one who was mad was Jooheon for his insides not being held properly. His hands were cold too.

\- **it’s our thing. then we’ve kissed for 3 new years in a row. it means next year we’ll also b friends!!!!!!**

Jooheon snorted because he didn’t know what Changkyun’s _also_ was supposed to mean because this year they had spoken maybe five times in total and the year before they had only been seeing each other because Jooheon hadn’t had the spine to leave him. That wasn’t true. He wanted to take his own thought back, then, but what did it matter anyways. When they left the bar, he didn’t look up or back and let Kihyun link their arms. Did that make it better, or worse?

Minhyuk held onto Kihyun when they lined up on the road that was partly blocked off for today, tilting up their heads to see a couple of scattered fireworks already and it felt like their energy flowed through their coats into each others’ bodies. It was a good feeling. Despite the snowflakes falling into his eyes and the noise and people bumping into his other side. He looked over at Minhyuk and his friend said something he couldn’t hear but he was smiling wildly, excitedly, so he smiled back at him. Kihyun watched him cautiously so he smiled at him too. When people started counting down, Kihyun squeezed the crook of Jooheon’s arm with his own a little tighter and he was thankful for that. Around them, the fireworks erupted, and they were both too close and too loud but Jooheon endured it and Minhyuk pulled the two of them in for an awkward group hug that was more coats and scarves than anything.

“HAPPY NEW YEAR,” he shouted, “I’LL MISS YOU MY FAVOURITE GAYS” and they all laughed because Minhyuk called everyone that. Kihyun was just blowing his light brown hair out of his face, leaning over to Jooheon to say something, probably, or to kiss him, when someone tugged at the side of Jooheon’s sleeve and he turned around. Away. Always away. Changkyun’s cheeks were red and his eyes still glossed over from the heat inside and his hair stuck up weirdly, probably because he had been raking his hand through it too often. He was still pulling up the zipper of his coat when he started speaking and it should have been too quiet for the noise around them but Jooheon still heard him. Like his ears were finetuned to his voice.

“Sorry,” he said and lifted one corner of his mouth and he was stunning. “I couldn’t get someone to cover for me until I told them–” But Jooheon’s mashed up drunk as fuck brain didn’t let him finish before pulling him into him and pressing all of the air from both of their lungs in the act. Changkyun laughed and then brushed a strand of hair out of Jooheon’s face, eyes darting over it as if he was looking for something. Or maybe he was just looking.

“Happynew year,” Jooheon said, slurring his words only a little and he smiled because he was happy Changkyun was here. And he had missed him. And now he didn’t have to miss him anymore.

“Happy new year,” he said back and when he kissed him it was soft and cold, and he held his head in place with both hands so Jooheon couldn’t press into him more. With his lips still attached to the corner of Jooheon’s mouth Changkyun sighed and sighed again and then whispered: “I love you.” and Jooheon thought he had misheard him at first but when he pulled away Changkyun was looking straight at him and his eyes were swimming and Jooheon was furious.

Because of the gentleness of his kiss, because of him meaning those words and them having only one meaning when Changkyun said them. Because of Jooheon being able to already hear the words before Changkyun had even said them. He pulled on his sleeve and dragged him into a side street where everyone’s cheers on the main road blended together into a busy noise. Where he couldn’t hear Kihyun anymore, who he knew had been watching all of this or Minhyuk. He held Changkyun’s arm and glared at him.

“Why’d you do that?” And Changkyun shrugged his hand off and his coat rustled over his thin shoulders. “Why would you say that? When you _know_ I don’t –” Jooheon stopped mid-sentence, maybe because he couldn’t say it or maybe because he had to squeeze his eyes shut when he felt lightheaded all of a sudden. Changkyun cast his eyes down and then up again and Jooheon deflated. Changkyun said: “Because I’m moving away in summer.” He said: “Because it doesn’t matter anyways.” He said either. Or both. And he was right. It didn’t matter.

***

Then Jooheon kissed him again like waves breaking their spines on sharp-edged cliffs and he let him. And when Jooheon threaded his fingers through his hair and pressed his hand flat against the small of his back to bring them even closer together Changkyun wanted to believe he knew why. Wanted to believe he knew this was what fireworks felt when they were being ripped apart in the sky: dying, but with a glorious finish. And he thought _: better than nothing, better than nothing, better than nothing_. Changkyun gripped Jooheon’s arms harder, even harder, and revelled in his fingers still remembering the curve of his slim muscles and their coats produced static electricity rubbing up against each other. And he thought _if this is the last time; if this is us dying, I want it to be glorious too._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello hello hello it's me! suprised to see me? believe me, i'm just as suprised as you are by how soon i have made it back. don't expect this to become the norm now sometimes i just write and write and write (especially when theres two twerm papers who need writing instead HAHA). I hope you liked it either way!!!! if you did please don't be shy to leave kudos, a comment, or alternatively hmu on twitter [@honeytrbl](https://twitter.com/honeytrbl) <3 i appreciate any form of constructive criticism as well as pointing out any grammar/spelling/punctuaion mistakes i've made but of course u reading this aready means the world to me hehe
> 
> disclaimer one: i changed the tags to include "minor character death" but don't worry it will only be mentioned very very briefly two chapters down the line and i will trigger warn it there as well. the death has already happened as the story takes place so you'll only experience the effects of it! no one u love will die i promise! 
> 
> disclaimer two: i'm not aromantic myself so i don't hold myself up to the standard of perfectly portraying the textbook version of aromanticism. Just like Joo's development in the story a huge part of sexual and romantic attraction contains FIGURING IT OUT (preferably not by hurting other people but we'll get to that). So i'm by no means saying he's aromantic and/or this is what all aromantic people experience and go through on their way to claiming or rejecting that identity. He's just trying to make sense of what he is experiencing and approximating that with words he knows and words other ppl or sources are offering. everyone's experience of romantic and sexual attraction is different and everyone acts on it differently as well. not all aromantic ppl are toxic in how they treat their friends or partners or crushes or squishes or s/o's in queerplatonic relationships, but they can be - just like homo-, bi-, pan-,[...]romantic people can be too!!!!
> 
> disclaimer three: now can we all collectively say: "being in a bad place mentally does not justify whatever bullshit you do to people. your actions are always your own. you can't control what happens to you or what situation you're in; you can't control how you feel depending on that but you CAN control what you do about it and how you go from there. you are not entitled to someone else's forgiveness or acceptance of your behaviour or situation if it puts them in a bad place themselves or subjects them to stress and negative emotions. people are allowed to walk out on you respectfully, saying 'i love you, i care about you, i hope you are well and will continue to get better, but we can't be good for and/or to each other right now.' they are not and never will be obligated to check up on you if your behaviour towards them is toxic."
> 
> ok??? be nice to each other and also yourself!!!!! love you loads <3


	4. 2014 - 2015

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> chankyun knows he should have shut his heart two years ago but the problem is that jooheon remembers all of him when they both swore to forget. or is that a good thing? at least, for the first time in two years he can be honest. but only after everything else has already failed him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> like, half of this is angsty smut and the rest is just angst. idk break ups suck

**December 31st / January 1st, 2014/15**

Jooheon shot him a smile and Changkyun pecked him on the lips. Sweet. Short. That was all. For his own sake. Jooheon's lips were cold from the virgin mojito he had been drinking just seconds ago.

“Happy new year Changkyunnie,” Jooheon most probably said but Changkyun couldn’t hear him over the blaring music that felt like it was threatening to shatter his eardrums. Jooheon was leaning against the bar, the collar of his dark blue dress shirt lopsided. Changkyun resisted the urge to straighten it. It looked good that way. With his collarbone slightly visible, due to the number of buttons he had left undone. He looked good. Always. And always more. Every year he wanted to kiss him more and every year it was less sensible for him to do so.

“Happy new year,” Changkyun said back anyways and his voice was so soft he wasn’t sure if he had said it at all. But he didn’t repeat it. Because it didn’t matter. Because they both knew what day it was. Because they had stopped kissing each other on any day that wasn’t this one. He felt stupid for being the one who had suggested it but what else was he supposed to have said? _Every time you kiss me and leave you pull my lungs out through my ribcage. I don’t think there’s much left of me still but please keep going._ _Please_. Is what he had almost said. Is what it had sounded like, which was probably why Jooheon had smirked despite his eyes shifting to something darker and asked him if it was because Changkyun was still in love with him. No, not asked. Said. He had said it as if. As if it was something bad. Something that needed changing. He had said: _Only because you’re in love with me and I’m not in love with you we can’t hook up?_ And it had felt like a kick to the gut and maybe it had been. He wouldn’t remember. It had felt so much like a kick because apparently, presumably, Jooheon had never really been in love with him and they had still _hooked up_. Kissed. Was that the same thing? For Jooheon, probably.

 Suddenly Jooheon's lips were unbearably close to his ear, his voice clear now and the bass only a faint throbbing in the back of Changkyun’s head.

“Wanna dance?”

“Sure,” he gave back without missing a beat and Jooheon grabbed his hand and they were both hot and a bit sweaty. It reminded Changkyun of the first time he’d held Jooheon's hand at all and he had to stifle a sob. So, this was what it all came down to, then. When Jooheon put his arms around Changkyun’s neck and cocked his head to the side slightly, one corner of his mouth tilting upwards, Changkyun thought that this was better than nothing. _Better than nothing._ As if Jooheon wasn’t his better than anything no matter what he did.

He so, so wished he could kiss him. Would that betray his own principles or Jooheon’s? Were there even any principles to betray? It felt like whenever he did something stupid – like kissing Jooheon, or telling him he loved him when he knew the answer was going to be clenched teeth, or driving for three hours on his shitty motorcycle to Jooheon’s fucking house in the middle of the night because he had told him he was having a shit day and then letting Jooheon kiss him to patch himself back up – he was someone else in his own body. Someone without reason. It felt like it made everything up until that point invalid and turned them back to day one. That’s when he had said it: _We need to stop doing this._ And Jooheon’s eyes had called him a coward. Maybe he deserved it. Or maybe he was just trying to build a cage around his heart that Jooheon didn’t have the key to.

Did loving someone make you cowardly? Maybe that’s why he had said: _I’m not in love with you anymore._ Or something that suggested it. And Jooheon had leaned back, blinking, his mouth opening but then closing again. But he had believed it. Or hadn’t questioned him at least. It had been nine months after all. He had probably considered that an adequate time span to forget all the ways in which someone’s smile was imprinted on the inside of your eyelids. Then he had pursed his lips and said fine. _Fine_.

Now, Jooheon pulled Changkyun closer and their torsos smacked together and Changkyun felt his ribcage shatter like he was a ship and Jooheon was a jagged cliff, reaching out from the safety of the sea to pull him under. Their bodies moved together to the music and the flickering neon lights were making Changkyun feel dizzy, so he held onto Jooheon's waist. That, and he really wanted to hold it, and this was the best chance he’d get all night. Jooheon licked his lips and let his eyes wander around the dance floor like he always did when he was somewhere with people he didn’t yet know.

Changkyun wondered, for a second or two, if Jooheon would find someone here to take home with him.

If he would walk out of this club with his lips attached to someone else’s neck and Changkyun would go back to his empty hotel room alone. The sheets barely touched, his bag just thrown into a corner carelessly. Jooheon had offered, multiple times, graciously, to let Changkyun stay with him. He’d put out a futon, he’d said. But Changkyun had said he would rather sleep on the street than amongst the layers of dust on Jooheon’s floor. They had both known that, really, he had meant something else entirely. Changkyun had felt that even over text. So now he was staying at a hotel a couple of minutes down the road from the club just to be safe. Like Changkyun was perspiring highly flammable gas and Jooheon was a lighter, or a match, just waiting for someone to ignite him and set both of them alight.

His hips were rhythmically grinding onto Changkyun’s and when he put his thigh in between Changkyun’s legs casually he had to grip his waist tighter. Swallow, focus. Jooheon still wasn’t looking at him and that made him furious. Changkyun saw Jooheon's lips moving again but it was impossible to guess what he had said because his face was turned sideways now, so Changkyun let his hand fall to Jooheon's hip and he finally looked at him. Changkyun shook his head as if to say _there’s no fucking way you think I could’ve possibly heard what you said just now?_ And Jooheon laughed, leaned in close again, his breath tickling the side of Changkyun’s ear. One of his hands brushed over the short hair in the space between Changkyun’s hammering brain and his neck and he gasped.

“I said _we should fuck_ ,” Jooheon repeated his words and Changkyun felt like the next breath he took was pure gasoline. Jooheon didn’t stop dancing, his thigh rubbing against Changkyun’s crotch dangerously, arms now casually draped over his shoulders again, wrists probably crossing behind Changkyun’s head. Changkyun swallowed again, but his throat was dry, and he convinced himself that was the reason he couldn’t speak. He broke his own boundaries so casually, so easily, like knocking over a house built out of playing cards. Like Jooheon had to just breathe in his direction, just move his torso towards him slightly and with this minimal gust of wind everything inside of him would tumble and fall.

“You don’t want to?”, Jooheon asked, leaning back, finally not breathing against Changkyun’s neck anymore and all of the protective layers Changkyun had wrapped around himself, all the reasons for him not to admit to Jooheon how much he wanted him were undone by the swift motion of Jooheon  bringing one of his hands down to brush some hair behind Changkyun’s ear. His own hair was so light now. Like honey. His eyes open, honest. Changkyun thought that not once while they knew each other had Jooheon lied to him. Pretended, maybe. But he’d loved him when he had said so. Maybe Jooheon _still_ loved him. Changkyun swallowed, correcting himself. He knew Jooheon did, or he wouldn’t be here now. In some weird, twisted way, he loved him. Was that enough?

“I do,” Changkyun replied after what seemed like an hour and blinked against the light strobing into his irises. “I’m just …” _contemplating if I have unloved you enough to do this. If I’ve unloved you at all._

“Scared?”

Changkyun had to concentrate on the space between Jooheon's eyes because looking at him directly made him dizzy. Dizzier than the lights. He just shook his head and Jooheon hollowed out his cheeks slightly. He didn’t believe him, which wasn’t surprising. Out of all people, Jooheon probably knew him best. No, that was a lie. Jooheon knew how to read him best. A sigh. Not disappointed, necessarily. Maybe just releasing the air from his lungs that he didn’t need. Changkyun was already half hard.

“What’s the difference between a peck on the lips and my dick up your ass?” And then Jooheon pulled his head closer to his by crossing his arms further but didn’t kiss him like Changkyun had hoped. Feared. Hoped. “What are you so afraid of?”

And because Changkyun didn’t have an answer to that, or at least not one that didn’t make him even more afraid, he said: “Not you,” and Jooheon grinned, pulling his bottom lip in between his teeth.

 

The streets were busy with people this close to still midnight and Changkyun was thankful for the short walk as much as for the cleaner air flooding his lungs. They both weren’t wearing coats and Changkyun could imagine Jooheon’s slender shoulders pulled all the way up to his ears against the cold while he was texting Minhyuk to let him know this and that. That he was alright and not drunk and that he missed him. Jooheon was so fragile when he wasn’t paying attention.

He trailed behind Changkyun because walking next to each other was impossible. In more than one sense of the word. Now that they’d left the club and the euphoric atmosphere behind it all seemed kind of fucked up. They hadn’t even kissed. How that apparently seemed more like a violation of his heart, Changkyun didn’t know. He could still blow this off. Apologise and tell Jooheon to go home. Even bring him home. Then he would drive back to his hotel by himself and jerk off quickly. With all the lights off while imagining Jooheon’s hands on him instead of his own.

But he didn’t. He led Jooheon to the small hotel he was staying in and they both let out a contented sigh when the warmth of the lobby took them in. It was empty apart from one hotelier on night duty who barely spared them a glance when they hurried past him to the elevator. It was like his actions weren’t his own again. Like his mind yesterday was completely separate from his mind now.

As soon as they were inside the elevator and the doors had closed Jooheon grabbed Changkyun’s hips from behind, pulling him flush against him and Changkyun stifled a gasp. He hated how easily he melted under Jooheon’s touches. Like butter on a radiator. Like he knew exactly where and how to put his fingers to soften him without making him disappear completely. He had to lean forward to press the right button and Jooheon’s hands didn’t let go of his hips. When Changkyun straightened back up he had to adjust his trousers and his eyes met Jooheon's in the mirror facing them and he felt hot. This was absurd. How much he wanted him.

“That hard already?” Jooheon had the audacity to say, sneer almost, and Changkyun turned around to him, their lips barely apart. Jooheon's fingers dug into his sides too hard for comfort. This wasn’t comfortable for either of them. He realised this now.

“What are you gonna do about it?” He replied and Jooheon didn’t say anything. Tensed his jaw and let go of Changkyun’s hips just as the doors opened with a ping. Then he grinned and something in Changkyun’s chest lit up. Again. And again.  Probably much to Jooheon's delight, this felt more like a hook-up than anything.

Changkyun’s own breathing was too loud when he unlocked the door and he heard Jooheon swallow behind him. So close behind him that he could feel heat coming off of him.

The room was dark and uninhabited and impersonal and it was disconcerting because Jooheon was so much the complete opposite of all these things. The door fell shut and Jooheon didn’t give Changkyun enough time to do anything, really, because he grabbed his throat from behind, his hand lying itself flat over the entire width of Changkyun’s neck and a breathy moan escaped him. His hands came up to grab Jooheon’s forearm that was covered by the smooth cold fabric of his dress shirt. Then, Jooheon's lips on the side of his ear. “How do you want it?” And Changkyun arched his back to display his neck more, did this automatically because his body knew what he wanted. Knew what Jooheon wanted. Knew that they both wanted the exact same thing.

“Hard,” he breathed and the pressure on his throat increased and he shuddered. He imagined Jooheon smirking into the dark. “Don’t … be gentle,” Changkyun added. Felt like he had to clarify. After walking him further into the room Jooheon let go of Changkyun’s throat and he was breathing heavy too. As if Jooheon had no understanding of the word _hard_. As if Jooheon didn’t need it rough as much as Changkyun did right now. Because if anything, Changkyun had imagined them to be drunk when doing this, not completely sober and fully themselves. This felt like always. Like forever had felt like in his apartment that one summer.

Before Changkyun had any chance to be sentimental he turned around to Jooheon, locking eyes with him and there was nothing there. Like he had expected. Hoped. Feared. It all blended together like a cocktail of emotions in his head. Again.

Jooheon closed the remaining distance between them and took Changkyun’s head in both hands, dipping it to the side so he could attach his lips to his neck and Changkyun’s knees buckled when he did. Jooheon wrapped one arm around him to hold him up, pushing one of his legs between Changkyun’s again and his voice rose to a symphony of sighs that seemed to be coming from the depth of his throat. He let Jooheon do this. Then let him undress him completely and mark his neck, shoulders and chest like this, biting down hard to make him moan. When Jooheon said: “Turn around” and Changkyun did and Jooheon bent him over the cheap looking desk, holding one of Changkyun’s arms on his back and his naked skin was hot on the wood and he heard Jooheon's belt buckle clinking something settled in the pit of his stomach.

His cock almost ached, still untouched, when Jooheon fingered him open roughly, hardly taking any time because he knew he could take it and even if he couldn’t, that he wanted it. So, it was Jooheon taking someone home with him after all. As he lay there, half stood, Changkyun thought that Jooheon could’ve had anyone but chose him. Again, and again, and again. He was thinking about what that meant. If it meant anything at all.

Jooheon's fingers stilled inside of him and he curled his toes involuntarily. Struggled a little against the tight grip Jooheon had on his arm because he knew he liked that. Maybe to him, Changkyun was just someone.

“You’re tense,” Jooheon said. “Stop thinking.” And then he curled his fingers a couple more times and there wasn’t much left in Changkyun to think with.

When Jooheon finally pushed into him Changkyun felt the material of his trousers on the backs of his legs and the cold metal of his belt buckle brushing his thigh. He shook, moaned, puffed out little breaths until Jooheon filled him completely, stretched him out in the most familiar way and he wanted to cry, really. But he didn’t. Instead he said: “Fucking move, asshole” and Jooheon breathed out shakily, almost angrily pressing Changkyun’s arm into his back harder, painful now, before pulling out and slamming back into him and Changkyun let out a high-pitched moan. He was almost upset over the fact that his was the only thing he got in retaliation.

But this sentiment left him, when Jooheon picked up a pace, slamming into him so hard the front of his legs was banging against the desk rhythmically and he knocked over the reading lamp with his free hand, trying to hold onto something, unable to see because his cheek lay flat on the desktop and the lamp fell to the floor but neither of them cared.

The room was filled with the sounds of clothes rustling and skin squeaking over polished wood and Jooheon’s grunts and sharp exhales and Changkyun’s moans and Jooheon put the most of his weight onto Changkyun’s arm and back and his shoulder hurt but it was good. It was good how much it hurt. A whine escaped him, and he felt the effects of Jooheon’s muscles tensing.

“You like that, hm? When I fuck you like this? With all of my clothes still on because you couldn’t wait to get my cock inside of you?” Changkyun’s stomach dropped at Jooheon’s words and he wanted to say _yes yes yes_ but all he was able to produce was a broken moan and then an _ohmygod_ _f-fuck_ eventually and Jooheon laughed deep and rich and Changkyun felt a drip of his sweat on his naked back.

“I’m barley … being rough with you … and it’s already … too much?” Jooheon's words were interrupted by his sharp panting and he grabbed Changkyun’s neck from behind with his free hand, pressing his head onto the unyielding surface of the desk and it felt like he wanted to break him in half.

Changkyun wanted to break in half so badly, he struggled even more against the grip Jooheon had on him, his breathing restricted and when he opened his eyes, he saw the reflection of his own face in a golden wall piece inches from his head and he was lying in a pool of his own spit, illuminated only by streetlights outside. And feeling himself inching closer to the edge he reached back to hold onto Jooheon’s leg to make sure he was still there or he wasn’t going to stop or both and he wanted him deeper and faster and wanted to desk to crack under their combined weight and send both of them to the floor where they could continue this. Where the splintered wood of the desk would make it harder to tell if maybe Changkyun was shattering too.

“Harder,” he grunted in between his teeth and Jooheon all of a sudden stilled. Pulled out completely and Changkyun whimpered, empty and hard and still completely unable to move and his hand just slid off Jooheon’s leg and lay limply and unusably next to his torso. He was breathing so hard that when Jooheon grabbed his hair and pulled him up a little, stretching his spine uncomfortably, the air had a hard time fitting through his throat.

A trail of saliva was connecting his mouth to the table and Jooheon leaned forward, touching his ear with his lips and Changkyun was so sensitive that even this made him shudder and moan and Jooheon whispered: “ _Beg_ for it” and Changkyun was shivering, Jooheon’s knuckles piercing into his spine when he leaned back, letting go of his hair and his own spit was cold on his overheated skin when his face connected with the desk again.

“Please,” he gasped. “Please fuck me harder,” and it sounded choked and he knew Jooheon was smiling. Still not moving any closer to where Changkyun needed him to be before he lost his mind, though. He received a slap on his ass and the next _please_ broke out of him like a sob. “I’ll do … anything please just f–aaahhh” His words turned into something between a moan and a scream when Jooheon pushed back into him without warning and didn’t give him any time to adjust before picking up a relentless pace that made Changkyun feel like his bones were disassembling inside his body.

“Good boy,” Jooheon praised and brushed hair out of Changkyun’s eyes and he could only moan in response and his legs were unsteady and his hand was uselessly clenching and unclenching on the table.

“Like this? Yeah?” Jooheon groaned and Changkyun nodded but it was probably unrecognisable with how much he and the table and the entire room were shaking but he could not have answered, even if he had wanted to. “You wanna cum?” Another nod, his face scrunching up with pleasure and pain alike. “Fuck, you’re so hot,” Jooheon moaned and Changkyun burned up, his stomach lying in tight coils and he got impossibly close without Jooheon even acknowledging his cock until now.

Changkyun tried another _please_ because he was aching to be touched but it was swallowed up on the way out of his throat that could only whimper and moan but Jooheon didn’t mind this time and reached between his legs and Changkyun jerked and his shoulder screamed and it only took him a few strokes to cum all over Jooheon’s hand and, possibly, the floor.

“Hnnngthankyou,” Changkyun managed to produce and it almost sounded like words and Jooheon pulled out of him carelessly and finally let go of his arm. It felt like it was grown into this position. His deep breaths were lifting his body off the desk irregularly. Another moan slipped past his lips when Jooheon helped him stand up, massaging his shoulder and arm that had gone a little numb. This hadn’t been the longest it had been in this position. It had barely been five minutes.

“What’s your colour?”, Jooheon asked into his skin and Changkyun just hummed in response because his lips were so heavy, before realising he actually needed to answer this and let his head fall back onto Jooheon’s shoulder with a sigh.

“Very green,” he replied, slurred, breathed, and when Jooheon pressed an open-mouthed kiss into the dip of his neck and pulled Changkyun against him, sweaty and soiled, he realised Jooheon was still hard. His breath hitched in anticipation and Jooheon didn’t miss the cue, smoothing his large hands over Changkyun’s stomach and thighs, rolling one of his nipples between his fingers. His hands were so soft.

“Get on the bed,” he ordered and Changkyun was almost too quick to comply for how limp his body was in his post coital bliss, was just putting his second leg up on the soft mattress, when Jooheon flipped the light switch and the room turned day bright and Changkyun had to squeeze his eyes shut, freezing mid movement.

“Was any of what I said unclear?” Jooheon’s voice was immediate and cut through Changkyun like ice and goose bumps covered his body, aware of the fact that Jooheon was watching him now even though he still didn’t dare look at him. He wanted to so badly. And kiss him, too. But he knew that wasn’t part of the deal. So, he climbed into the middle of the bed while he heard Jooheon stepping out of his shoes and trousers.

“On your back.” Finally, Changkyun turned around to him and it felt like it had been years and he looked just the same. Like a switch had flipped inside of Jooheon, his tone of voice changed when he said: “I want to look at you,” and Changkyun swallowed thickly fighting the urge to cover himself up, simply grabbing one of the pillows to prop his hips up on and Jooheon smiled. Pleased by how pliant he was. It made him shudder.

He was walking over to the end of the bed now, unbuttoning the shirt which was the last item of clothing he was still wearing, and it hung so low over his shoulder Changkyun could see his scar that was usually well hidden. During all the time he had never dared to ask where it came from. During all this time they’d only ever fucked with the lights on twice anyways. Jooheon knelt onto the bed, just slipping one arm out of the dark material that lay against his skin so perfectly when Changkyun’s hand shot up.

“No,” he objected, and it was desperate and Jooheon looked at him wide eyed, narrowed them then, confusion washing over his face and Changkyun sat up a little, taking the material of the shirt into his hands. “Leave this on. I like it.” He sounded as breathless as he was. “Please.” It was an afterthought. All of this was. Jooheon hummed and pulled the shirt back over his shoulder with a smirk. Then he leaned down, his weight making the mattress dip and Changkyun slid over a little so that their thighs were touching. For a second, he thought he would kiss him. If he were the one to do it, it would feel less like a breach of contract. He was allowed to do breaching, Changkyun wasn’t. Was that how they worked?

But Jooheon just nipped at his jaw, bending his legs upwards before slowly pushing back into him with a moan and Changkyun threw his head back and griped Jooheon’s arms and held him there. As close to him as possible. So close, in fact, that Changkyun could feel him breathing in sync with his own erratic heartbeat.

Jooheon was gentler now, softer with him and more cautious and he kept the promise of looking at Changkyun. Looked him all over, his eyes making up for what his lips had failed to do, and his face was so beautiful. Changkyun wasn’t even mad at the lack of pain. This hurt differently. More delicately. He stroked his neck and his chest that had sweat pooling in its dips and folds and pressed his thumb onto Jooheon’s scar lightly and absentmindedly, feeling the familiar tinge in his stomach when Jooheon called him beautiful and perfect and his good boy and in no time, he was hard again, writhing beneath him, jerking himself with long strokes.

Jooheon came quickly, but kept his pace for Changkyun’s sake, looking at him so deeply he could hardly bear it, the loose shirt tickling Changkyun’s sides with every thrust and he said Jooheon’s name, moaned it like a prayer, hooking his arms around his neck and lifting his hips up to match him and meet him halfway.

When he came for the second time shortly after, Changkyun held onto Jooheon's neck so tightly it must have hurt but he didn’t complain. Maybe it was for the same reason Changkyun hadn’t complained about Jooheon holding his arm only three breaths short of too tight or about biting his neck so hard it had bruised immediately. Maybe it was because he knew Jooheon had the same rage in his chest, that was always easier to endure when they hurt each other.

Changkyun was on the edge of something else then. Tears, maybe. Regret, anger. All of this. But he just buried his face in Jooheon's neck and squeezed his eyes shut when Jooheon pulled out of him carefully and efficiently discarded the condom and pulled the pillow out from under him, so his spine could relax and Changkyun was so afraid he would leave now that a whimper almost escaped his throat. But Jooheon collapsed on top of him, breathing hard, face in the same damp pillow Changkyun was also lying on. And then he turned his face and put lips against Changkyun’s neck but didn’t kiss him. They stayed like this for a while, both lost in thought and the feeling of a warm body against theirs and Changkyun could feel Jooheon’s lips or fingers twitch every once in a while.

“Okay?” Jooheon asked eventually and Changkyun nodded, incredulously, because how could it be that Jooheon knew him this well still. Knew that he couldn’t just discard of him after fucking him no matter how gentle and that his bones needed to be held for him to not be driven apart like driftwood. Like the shipwreck that he was. That Jooheon had made him. Jooheon knew all this and somehow always managed to leave just in time for him to stay whole. Barely. It’s what he had done for two years after first attaching Changkyun to him with permanent glue to make sure that some part of him would always stay with him. Was that egotism? Or was the fact that Changkyun made Jooheon all about himself egotism? That he assumed Jooheon did all this just to keep him.  

When Jooheon rolled off of him Changkyun left the room wordlessly and felt his gaze burning at the back of his neck until he had closed the bathroom door quietly. He took the briefest of showers, never even adjusting the temperature of the water which meant it singed his skin a little bit. Not as much as Jooheon hands had, though. Never as much.

Coming back into the bedroom now wearing fresh briefs and a shirt, Changkyun found Jooheon mustering him with what he could only describe as sorrow. The lights were back off which meant the room was only dimly lit by the streetlights outside and it made everything seem a mushy orange colour. He had moved under the covers and Changkyun didn’t know why he was surprised by that.

“You’re staying?” He said. Questioned. It felt like an interrogation. What did he put Jooheon on trial for? Neither of them was drunk and Changkyun had invited him into his arms just as much as Jooheon had put himself there. Jooheon just shrugged, looked at him more, but didn’t get up to leave either. The entire situation felt like a hangover after getting blackout drunk.

“What is it?”, Changkyun asked, half dreading the answer. Jooheon said nothing, frowned. The air coming in from the open window was cold and Changkyun shivered. He stood at the end of his bed, unsure what to do, looking at Jooheon's left foot, which was irradiated by a beam of bright orange light from where he hadn’t drawn the curtains properly. Only, so he wouldn’t have to look at his face. Suddenly. Suddenly he was shy of his face.

“Come here,” Jooheon then said, and he opened his arms when Changkyun reacted to his words like a puppy he had called over. Jooheon must’ve known. There was no way he didn’t. He slipped under the covers with him, following the invitation without hesitation and put his head on Jooheon's chest that was softly rising and falling like waves on a calm, wind still day. He had taken off his shirt and hung it over the back of the chair probably belonging to the desk that was still covered in Changkyun’s spit. For some reason, this made him smile out of all things. Like being in on an inside joke. When he got tired of listening to Jooheon's heartbeat, Changkyun turned his head, balancing his chin on his left arm so he could look at Jooheon now.

“What’s wrong?”, Changkyun tried again and Jooheon reached out to brush some hair out of Changkyun’s forehead. His fingers were warm where they touched his skin. He left them there, thumb trailing down the side of his face until it came to a rest on his chin.

“Kiss me,” Jooheon said and it cut through Changkyun’s spine. Jooheon furrowed his brows and he looked so sad Changkyun didn’t know how he could possibly deny him a kiss now, even though half of him wanted to. Had to. Jooheon swallowed thickly when Changkyun lifted his head and placed a hand on Jooheon’s naked chest to bring their faces closer together. It was muscle memory. “Properly,” Jooheon whispered and Changkyun imagined his voice breaking, even though it did not. “Please.”

And so Changkyun kissed him while Jooheon held his jaw, but much softer than earlier and it was silent apart from the cars rushing by outside. Considering the time, it was probably mostly people going home from their new year’s celebrations now. _Home_ , Changkyun thought, just as he felt himself drift off to sleep, Jooheon’s arm wrapped around him, legs tangled in the sheets like they were trying to become one person again. Kissing Jooheon always felt like home.

When he woke up to blinding sunlight, Jooheon was gone.

 

It was even colder outside than yesterday, and a thin layer of ice had spread over the city while he had been sleeping. Changkyun dragged his bag beside him, thumb flicking over his phone screen in order to distract himself. He would just call him one more time. Then he would go home. He promised himself that. There was no finding out whether or not Changkyun would have kept this promise, because after the fifth ring, Jooheon picked up.

“Why did you go?”, Changkyun blurted out without even giving him the chance to answer. It sounded like all the things he didn’t want to be. He had no plan for this. Just his heart.

“I uh, had things to do. Didn't wanna wake you and all,” Jooheon replied with little hesitation and his voice almost made Changkyun cry for whatever fucking reason. He didn’t ask what exactly it was that he had been so busy with because he knew it was nothing. Knew it was himself and nothing less. The trace Changkyun’s lips had left, if he was feeling particularly masochistic.

“And you couldn’t even leave a note? Or _text_?”

“I’m sorry I didn’t think –” A nervous laugh, then: “What’s the deal you sound like you’re in love with me or something.”

Changkyun didn’t say anything to that. Didn’t feel like there was anything to add, that would help his case. Nothing that would legitimize the twenty calls Jooheon hadn’t answered before this one, when Changkyun had told him he wasn’t in love with him. When he had said _: I’m not afraid of you_. When he had said: _please, harder, please._ Changkyun sat down on a bike rack next to some shop that was closed for today anyways and squeezed his eyes shut in order for them to not cry and give him away even more. But they didn’t have to. Jooheon sighed, unreadably and when he spoke his voice was soft. Soothing. Changkyun pictured him in his room that he knew so well. Pictured him with his head in his hand like it was too heavy for his neck to hold, his expression similar to the one of last night.

“You’re the one who keeps coming back to me even though you know I - I can’t be with you like you need me to,” he stated. And he wasn’t wrong, but Changkyun still wanted him to take the blame for how he could never decide in which way to suffer. Wanted him to apologise with more than just his mouth.

“You’re the one who keeps allowing me to,” he retaliated. Shoved his free hand into his pocket and flinched when the soreness in his shoulder protested.

“How’s this fair?” Jooheon said instead of apologising and it was toneless and it hurt and Changkyun’s chest wanted to concave and roll itself up into him. “How is you telling me one thing but expecting me to know you mean another fair.” This was probably the most honest they had ever been with each other. Probably, because they weren’t looking into each other’s faces and drowning in each other’s hands.

Silence. It stretched out forever, wrapping around both of their torsos like thick rubber, suffocating Changkyun’s skin until it was itchy from the inside. He wished Jooheon would say something, but he knew there wasn’t really anything more to be said. What was he expecting him to say? His head felt as if a snuffed-out candle slowly filled the space with biting smoke. There was static on the phone line which was the only reason Changkyun knew Jooheon hadn’t dropped the call.

“You’re right. I’m sorry. Really, I just thought I –” He didn’t know where he was going with this so he was glad for Jooheon’s interruption who said: “It’s alright I was just …” Even though it wasn’t alright. Maybe that’s why he let his sentence trail off, unfinished. But they were both going to pretend it was and maybe it would be.

“You’re always thinking so much,” Jooheon said then and laughed. Testing the waters, “Right?” Changkyun inhaled. Straightened his back.

“I’m heading back home in an hour or so, uh …”

“Hm?”

“You wanna, like, get coffee or something?”

“Actually I’m –” Changkyun heard rusting on the other end of the line now and felt like someone was pushing a steel fist down his throat. _Not someone._ _Jooheon_. “Actually, I’m quite busy with, uh, yeah.”

“Alright then.” His tone of voice sounded final. Mocking the closure he wanted.

“I’m thinking about uh picking uni back up after … after what you said yesterday before the music got too loud to talk.” A nervous laugh. “The deadline is soon so I’m just … sorting through some stuff, you know. That’s why I didn’t – couldn’t pick up.” Changkyun was picking at one of the bruises on his thigh through his jeans.

“Oh. That’s really great. I’m glad.”

“Yeah so, I’d better go,” Jooheon said and it was consolatory. Changkyun didn’t say: _as always?_ Because he didn’t want to pick a fight. A fight about what, anyways. Jooheon had said it: _Just a kiss._ And then a year later: _What difference does it make whether it’s a peck on the lips or my dick in your ass._ And both times Changkyun hadn’t said: _The difference is that with one I can pretend I don’t love you, but if the other implies all the ways in which you always hold me after, I can’t_ , like he should have. And that’s why he didn’t have the right to fight. Not Jooheon at least. So, he asked: “We’re good, aren’t we?” Tentatively. And Jooheon exhaled audibly.

“Yeah of course we’re good why wouldn’t we be?”

“I dunno.”

“Kay, good.” He heard Jooheon smile and wished he could see it, too.

“I’m sure I’ll be around some time, I’ll hit you up.”

“Yeah … yeah. Have a safe trip home, Changkyunnie!”

“And you have a good uh productive day – evening. Good luck with your masters.”

Jooheon just hummed in recognition and when they finally dropped the call the phone felt heavy like a brick in Changkyun’s hand. It was hot on his icy skin. Maybe they should have fought. But they didn’t. So, this was where they stood now.

He looked at Jooheon’s contact picture that was a photo he had taken on his phone a while ago with Changkyun sleeping next to him. If you knew, you could see his arm in the corner of the frame without much trouble. In it he pulled a silly face: baring all of his teeth in an exaggerated smile, his eyes almost disappearing even though he was trying to keep them open. He had drawn clumsy hearts onto each of his cheeks, just above his dimples. It had been the day after Changkyun’s birthday. Had he been in love with him then? Or had he just thought he knew what being in love with someone meant? Changkyun shook. Like the breath he took then was trying to escape him at any cost, felt it growing in his stomach, crawling back up his throat where it sat. There were tears pressing against his eyes from inside his head. It didn’t matter if it was one or none of these things, because he wasn’t in love with him now.

Changkyun didn’t know why he’d kept it. Like he had kept so many things. In his phone. And in the bottom drawer of his wardrobe, pushed all the way to the back. Like those things could make Jooheon appear at will. Make his heart appear at will. Materialise out of thin air. It’d been two _fucking_ years. Too long of a time to still believe two hearts drawn onto a grainy picture rather than someone’s words.

With a swipe of his finger, Changkyun deleted the icon from Jooheon’s contact and was only half glad for the faceless grey head now staring back at him. It felt like a betrayal of some sort.

As if his heart – his lips, his hand, his drawer – always had to be there for Jooheon to make himself comfortable in. Just in case he wanted to. Needed to. Like he had when Changkyun had come to him. Come here. In the middle of summer. When he had been drenched in rain and was shivering from the biting air on his wet torso and Jooheon had kissed him like he had meant it. When Changkyun had finally said: _We need to_ – and had pulled Jooheon’s hand from his face with troubled eyes and it had felt like treason, like removing a band aid when the wound was still closing up – _we need to stop doing this_.

But he hadn’t. He had kept his mouth open regardless. Had kept his arms open too. Had kept his bottom drawer full to the fucking brim with things he thought Jooheon might want. Or need.

Had tried to fold himself into that god damned drawer on the nights it got particularly bad.

Just in case.

Always, always just in case.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! long time no see aye! i've had this sitting on my laptop for at least a year and now i finally mustered up the courage to publish it!!!!! i feel like this is where the story takes many turns. maybe you can understand the characters a lil better. if not, you definitely will in the next chapter. 
> 
> we are 4/6 in which means over half of this is finished. wow. i feel like i need to hold a tear-jerking speech now but i will spare you. instead i'm going out to buy a chirstmas tree!!!! happy holidays to everyone who celebrates christmas and also to everyone who doesn't!
> 
> between the years u can keep up with me over on [@lisk_ah](https://twitter.com/lisk_ah) <3 ! as always i appreciate constructive criticism more than ANYTHING so feel free to dm me or leave comments and/or kudos if u liked this and share it with a friend if it made you sad (it for sure made me shed hella tears lol). 
> 
> thank you so much for waiting for me to update and showing this story so much support!!! it's not making huge numbers but i've gotten some of the longest loveliest comments ever on it which really motivates me and makes this a lot of fun so thank you millions!!!! 
> 
> ps: i feel like i need to update this on new year's eve to break the matrix. the date is drawing closer so i probably won't but who knows, right?


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